speaking from my heart

2011-02-24T14:53:00.001+08:00

I know who I am, I know the way I would react to things, I know my limitations. I know I'm not exactly a social butterfly. So sometimes I wonder why I can't be friendly, outgoing and someone who's able to make friends easily? Going into a new year, into the first year of uni, into a new uni, none of my friends are following me to where I go to now. And I'm nervous. Nervous because I'm going someplace where I don't know anyone. Where I would need to make new friends. You see, its not in me to make friends that easily. I come off as a quiet and shy person when you first meet me, and that itself makes it hard for me to make friends because I would be perceived as arrogant. Which I'm not, because once you get to know me, I am a whole different person. No, I am not two faced. I'm just a different person because I would be comfortable around you and would be comfortable being myself. Sometimes I wonder why can't I just go up to someone and say, 'Hi! How're you going?'. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard for me to connect with people? I really think in my life, there are only a handful of people that I can say that I can talk to them for hours and never run out of things to talk about. And so, I wonder why I'm this way. I wanna change that side of me. So I'll try.

Someone told me lately that there is no rule that says that I can't be happy. I realized that it really is just a decision. Whether you wanna mope around or try to get over whatever you're going through. Looking back, I've lived too many days in the first option, and that didn't really bring me anywhere. So, I've decided that maybe I should try option two. It doesn't mean that I've turn cold and turned my feelings off, because I haven't. I still lie in my bed at night and shed a tear or two but every time I do, I tell myself not to fall apart and to be strong. Because whether I like it or not, life moves on and it won't wait for me.

2011-02-11T02:01:00.002+08:00

I leave tonight. I can definitely say that I'm leaving with a heavy heart. Thinking about it, the previous times I've left, I don't think that I was this heavy hearted. I remember, the first time I left for Melb, sure I was sad that I was leaving home, but I also remember being so sick of what was going on in my life at that time that I couldn't wait to leave and start over, a fresh start. And last year was great. 2010 was definitely the year of growth, experience and change. Now heading back in 2011, I wonder how this year would turn out. But we will never really know, will we?

Being back home for the summer this time, it has been really good, to my surprise. But of course something was definitely the reason to it being good. January, the month where I was constantly truly genuinely happy, something I haven't felt in awhile. What sucks is that it has to end. Life moves on you know, it won't stop for me or anyone else. This coming year I will be expecting, a tough course, business, sleepless nights, coffee etc. I pray that I will be able to make it through everything that gets thrown towards me this year.

Tonight, 2 people have told me the almost exact same thing. One after the other. Both of them told me that I was a strong person and they know that I don't see myself as it sometimes, but they reassured me I was. Maybe it was a reminder, you know. Maybe God wanted to keep me reminded. Because I know how vulnerable I can be. I feel too much. I think too much. I feel hurt often. And sometimes I wonder where do all these emotions come from. Probably from the past. Things I went through. But also, those were the things that made me who I am today. Maybe those were the things that made me strong. I may not see myself as a strong person. But I am glad that I portray myself as such. At least people see that in me. They see something I don't, and sometimes that amazes me. I do doubt myself, many many times. I put myself down. But somehow I manage to pull through every time. It isn't easy, but I manage to. Sometimes I ask myself where my self-confidence is. But every time I ask myself that, I'm always reminded that I need to be confident because there is no point in looking down on myself.

You told me the things about me that you like. Honestly, it surprised me. Because those things you mentioned, I never knew I had it in me. I'm glad that you've seen that part of me, that part that I myself do not see. And I'm happy that I am who you describe me to be. I never knew I was that kind of person. So, thank you for bringing out the best in me.

2011-01-29T02:52:00.003+08:00

I hate this. Tell me, why does this always happen to me? When will it ever stop? When will everything just be prefect and work out the way I dream it would be. Sure, some may say that its how life is. But for once, can't things go the way I want it to be? Why is there something that's always in the way. ALL the time, things in the way, all the freaking time.

Truth is, I'm scared. So so scared that you can't even imagine how I feel right now. Its times like these when I need reassurance.

I need to learn how to control my emotions better. But I guess I'm not that kinda person.

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

2011-01-19T17:25:00.003+08:00

Cause everything feels so right whenever you're around.

Know what I've realized? Every time I'm with you, I can't help but smile, not just any smile, but an actual genuine huge grin. And it doesn't only last for a few minutes, it lasts almost the whole time I'm with you. Even my cheeks will get tired after awhile. I love how easily you can make me smile and laugh. And even when I'm not around you, I sometimes catch myself smiling unconsciously and I'll have to look around to see if anyone's looking cause they would probably think I'm a weirdo smiling to herself. Well, I can't help it when you make me this happy!

Funny how a year ago, we were close but not in this sorta way. Yeah sure, we talked quite often and I felt super comfortable talking to you because I felt like we connected but it was never like this. I remember telling myself that what I was hoping that could come out of our friendship will always and only be possible in my mind and I eventually lost all hope but little did I know. And now I cherish every moment we spend together. Even if its only for a couple of minutes.

You make my tummy feel funny, make my mouth go dry and make my heart beat twice as fast just knowing that I'm gonna see you.

I won't forget the little things you do because I'm a sucker for those kinda things. (;

2011-01-15T02:42:00.001+08:00

because it happens all the time.

I don't know what it is about you but to me you are just simply amazing. Amazing enough to make me feel the way I do. I don't think that anyone has made me open up to them as quickly as you have. Maybe its because I feel so comfortable with you, feeling like I can trust you. Talking with you for hours seem like minutes. And there isn't an awkward silence in our conversations. And I would stay up all night just to hear about your day.

No doubt there's that fear in my heart, of what could happen and what would become of this. But I don't really wanna think about them atm, I just wanna make the best of it, making memories as we go ahead. I just wish time would just slow down for us. But I will treasure every moment.

You make me happy, and that's enough.

2011-01-12T03:37:00.002+08:00

Lately, I know that I've definitely been feeling happier than usual. Usually if I feel happy about something, it'll wear off sooner or later but this happiness I feel is prolonged. And I'm loving it. One of the best feelings in life; feeling happy as your head hits your pillow. Honestly, I think I haven't had so many nights in a row where I feel happy every time I sleep. Love it.

My sister once told me a few years back, and I suppose that's when I realized how true it was and slowly changed my perspective on things, and I may be paraphrasing a little was; "In a relationship, you can't be basing it on only your feelings, because eventually feelings fade and what will hold your relationship together is trust and understanding". Wise words from my sister. And now I know. Because seriously when you're younger, your feelings will be all that you'll follow.

"There's so many things I have to say
I'll stay up all night to hear about your day
We do the best we can in a small town"

"When you’re with me I feel so alive"

"And I know that our bond’s so true
You are to me as I am to you"

2011-01-02T15:29:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year Everyone! 2011 is finally here, the start of a new decade. My family and I were talking about the next decade. By the next decade .... We were all throwing out things that we would like to accomplish by the next decade. I mentioned one thing, 'by the end of the next decade, I hope I'm married'.

2010 passed by really quickly, last year was a great year. So many changes, so many things that have impacted my life, changed perspectives, changed thinking, changed life. Experienced things I've never experienced before. And I can't help but wonder how would 2011 be. Honestly, I'm quite afraid. Not knowing how the year would turn out. All I can do is, hope that God will provide me with a good year this year.

It all came as a surprise. I never thought that one day it would happen. I never expected it. Am I happy? I don't know. Half happy and ht upsets me the most is how italf confused I suppose. Why does it seem like something is always in the way. Wha seems like history is repeating. Disagreements, restrictions, secrecy. I hate it. I promised myself that the next one would be one that I can be open about. I've imagined it happening, but that's not the case right now. And I don't know how to feel. Time. It always comes down to that doesn't it?

Pray.

2010-12-28T01:39:00.009+08:00

True, yes?

I'm truly sorry for whatever I did. Honestly, I don't really know what to say because I really don't know what to do. If I do this, then something bad may come of it, but if I don't then I seem like the one on the bad side. I really do feel bad, but if the heart tells you that it isn't right, then listen to it. Sorry. No expectations, No disappointments.

Recently got back from Turkey! It was a very interesting trip actually, Turkey was so rich in its history, I never knew. The weather was good, thank God for giving us the gorgeous weather! But overall, trip was great except that we all got sick of the food after the 2nd day. Came back from Turkey and straight for Curry Mee! (:

But before that, we had our Greater Things YC conference which I only got to attend 1 and a half days of 3 days because I needed to leave for Turkey. But during those 1 and a half days, it was good! Its good to know that we're doing something for the community and not just thinking about ourselves. Because for whatever we do for others, helping others, we are doing it for God. So, I shall share some pictures!

MY LIFE IN CHRIST MY GREATER THING

The youths!

Photo credits to; John Lim, Darren Ong and Sarah-Ann

1 and a half days!

2010-12-15T23:56:00.002+08:00

You & I
Could be like Aladdin & Jasmine. (:

Are you tired cause you’ve been on my mind
runnin’ thousand & thousands of miles

lol, that's cheesy lyrics but I like!

2010-12-13T14:59:00.002+08:00

"who gave you permission
to be on my mind all day
to be in the words i say
i dont think that thats okay
who gave you permission
to be so good at what you do
boys like you, there's just too few,
ooh ooh,
i think i fell hard for you

i tried so hard
to restrain my heart
but it keeps pounding everytime you're near
i try to tear
my gaze away
but its impossible now that you're here"

- Sarah T.

"But only love can say
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do"

"Because I've kept my heart under control
But lately, all this time its taken its toll"

"Are you keeping safe distance?
Are you arms length away?
Are you keeping safe distance?
Holding me arms length away?
Are you there, can someone answer me?"

2010-12-12T21:21:00.005+08:00

One day. I think these two words, it is the source of the development of hope. One day, I wish ... / One day, I hope ... / Maybe one day... / We'll see how it goes, you may not know that one day... You get what I mean. I can only hope that one day ...

So many things I want to say, but I can't. I'm afraid of what would happen if I do. I'm dying to let everything out, its like my heart bursting with emotions, and I'm trying so hard to hold it in right now because really, I have no place to let them all out. I need a heart to heart talk with someone real soon. Sarah-Ann? (:

You know, that hurts. It was as if you sent a knife through my heart and didn't care at all. Did I not have an impact in your life at all? Did I ever mean something to you? Or maybe I don't anymore? Was that all to our friendship? I just can't believe you would judge me just like that. Give up on our friendship just like that. I'm telling you now that it hurts.

It seems as if history is repeating itself. About this time, this year. Oh, the amount of mixed emotions and confusion that happened. It's crazy how I feel as if it's all coming back. Except that this time, I have more time. And so, I'm reminded again of why I felt what I felt in the first place. There's no denying it. The only thing that's in the way is, reality. What would happen, I don't know. But I'm curious. Will the impossible finally be possible? One can only hope that one day...

One thing about me I've noticed. I tend to give into my feelings way too easily. Sometimes, I let it overwhelm me. I'm not saying its a bad thing, sometimes it can be a good thing. But it is bad when you only listen to your feelings and do not think logically and listen to what your head tells you. What my head tells me, I feel, is reality. Sure, sometimes reality may be good, but mostly I find that it's a challenge to face them and I always find myself reluctant to face reality. It is as if I just want to live in my own fantasy land, where everything is perfect and nice, without any restrictions or disapproval. If only.

Only time can tell. Time, such a precious thing. Time can bring many things, I find. Patience.

Time together is just ever quite enough /When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home /What will it take to make or break this hint of love? /Only time, only time/When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of? /So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love? /All the time, all the time.

My heart’s so lost in all the chaos/ It’s got me crazy/ With the spell you cast, it all happened so fast/You are the star of my daydreams

This crush on you, I wanna be the breakthrough/Kind of love to you/Oh I think that we, that we were meant to be/ In my daydreams

All I'll say is, you shouldn't assume.

MYLC. I'm sorry but I just can't help it.

2010-12-08T14:07:00.002+08:00

I tend to ignore what my head tells me and follow my heart because by following my heart, it feels good ... until the consequences arrive. Although I know what would be the outcome of something, I push it away and just live in the moment. Thinking that maybe I would be wrong, maybe this is right. And then reality comes in the way and everything just happens like how I imagined it. So, why do I tell myself everything will be okay if I do this and do that, when I know its not? I guess I'm just afraid of living in reality because living in the present feels so much better.

I really shouldn't go on with something I know how bad the outcome will be. But sometimes I just can't help it. The way it makes me feel, everyone years for that feeling. Sometimes, I really don't know what am I doing or why I continue with it. I should really stop listening to my feelings and listen to my head. But it's harder than it seems.

I'm torn in between the two.

2010-12-07T23:04:00.002+08:00

I realized that I haven't looked back at my life lately, analyzing it and everything. Or maybe I was just ignoring it. But I thought about it just now, even though it wasn't a serious think through, I realized that I am a seriously confused person. If you asked me that 1 question I've been asking myself, I wouldn't know how to answer you. Sigh, I think I need something permanent.

I bet you only did what you did because I did it for you in the first place. The difference between mine and yours was, I put in a huge amount of effort into it. Honestly, I feel insulted and hurt. Do I mean that little to you?

On another note, I was having this conversation with a friend today. It was on, 'if you could still be friends with your ex'. To me, yes. To my friend, no. He mentioned that if you were still friends with your ex and still talk to him/her, you probably have unresolved feelings for him/her. But to me, I beg to differ. I do think we can still be friends with ex's, people you liked before but didn't like you back or even people who liked you but you didn't like back. For me, I ended everything with everyone in those categories on good terms, I am still friends with the ex, guys I've like, guys who've liked me. I think its best that way. I don't think that just because of whatever happened, a friendship should be forgone. I think that two people can still remain as friends even after whatever each person may have gone through. Sure, you may not talk to the other person as often as before, you may not be as close as before, but still keep the friendship. Why would you want to end on bad terms with the person? And it worries me because I'm afraid that one day, I will not be able to end of good terms with whoever it is.

And I think my birthday really showed me who my real friends really are.

2010-12-05T23:23:00.008+08:00

My 18th Birthday was beyond amazing. Only made possible with way too awesome friends.

The night before my birthday, I organized a birthday dinner with my OCF cell and other OCF people. Not everyone could come though.

Basically, my whole birthday was like a race? Everything was pretty rushed and had to be on time, but still had the right amount of time for everything. I was passed from one person to another to take over being in charge of entertaining me!

The day after, which was on my real birthday, Janelle surprised me with this birthday lunch with my Jan extended friends after looking at our future apartment together. Unexpected? Yes. Really fun though!

After getting back from lunch, I immediately got passed from Janelle to Koala who brought me to Brighton Beach. Somewhere where I've wanted to go since I heard about all the colorful houses! Really pretty. We literally spent about 2 hours just making our way down taking pictures with the pretty tiny houses.

Boys were missing from this picture. But basically, I got passed by Koala to Rachel who said that she bought movie tickets for me and her. So, I quickly gobbled down my dinner and headed to the movie theater near the park only to be blindfolded halfway and taken to the park and then surprised by the Albert House people with a night picnic. Something I wanted to do on my birthday too! Watched the sunset, played in the playground, danced crazily in the dark to music. Lovely night.

Just when I thought my birthday was over, I went into my room only to find people waiting for me, a 'Happy Birthday' banner, 25 purple balloons on the floor and Russell on the piano playing Happy Birthday. I kinda suspected something was waiting for me in my room but I didn't know it was that! Janelle prepared a video for me, it was a video of a compilation of wishes from my friends including friends from Malaysia and my family! Really touching video!

And when I seriously thought my day was over, Rachel blindfolded me again, Janelle brought me downstairs outside Albert House and got sabo-ed with water, freaking cold water! Brr! It was pretty fun though!

And that finished my day! Gotta say, it was a memorable one. Thank you Janelle and Rachel for organizing my day! I really appreciate it!

Reality, it prevents many things from happening. Prevents many things only we can dream and hope for. And that's standing in the way right now.

Dear you,
I'm not saying its gonna be easy, but I'm telling you that its for the best. Please keep your promise. Honestly, I sorta wish nothing was standing in between, but there is. Please forgive me. And please try, because I already am. 2 and a half months will go by in a flash. Anything can happen in 2 and a half months. Many things can change. But in the end, what I really hope for is, not losing your friendship because it is valuable to me. Memories, yes we do have them. First dance, first song etc. In everything, I loved it. And those times will stay with me. But I can not stay in those moments. Life has to go on. And you have to move on from those moments too. I'm asking you to try. Just follow with the flow. Imy.

Me.

"My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture"

2010-11-27T23:20:00.002+08:00

Stop, Breathe. Everything is just a blur to you right now, Ern.

Nicholas Sparks Quotes:

"There are moments when i wish i could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but i have a feeling that if i did, the joy would be gone as well. So i take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever i can."

"There's no love like the first."

"My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away."

"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."

"Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more."

"It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming."

"Life, he realize, was much like a song. In the beginning there is mystery, in the end there is confirmation, but it's in the middle where all the emotion resides to make the whole thing worthwhile."

"It wasn't that long, and it certainly wasn't the kind of kiss you see in movies these days, but it was wonderful in its own way, and all I can remember about the moment is that when our lips touched, I knew the memory would last forever."

"I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell."

Nicholas Sparks is a genius.

I don't know why I feel so gloomy lately. Maybe its the weather, maybe its just me. I have a feeling it may be more to me though. I sometimes take things too personally. I get hurt for the simplest reasons. I think too much, its bad for me. Right now, I can not explain what I feel. It's just all so cloudy and I just can't see through it. I feel like... honestly, I don't know how I'm feeling. So many thoughts, so many things to consider, so many things that confuse me. It's frustrating.

It all bottles down to you.

2010-11-22T21:13:00.003+08:00

We did. Amazingly in love even through the ups and mostly downs.

My friends and I were talking last night, it ended up on the topic of you. I was telling them about you and I realized something, through all your imperfections and major flaws, you're still dear to me and I would look past all of that if I were with you. My reason? Simply because its you.

On another note, careful now. I don't know how to feel. Maybe you should stay a mystery.

"Careful now, you'll hurt yourself
Careful now, you'll hurt, you'll hurt someone else

I threw everything out that doesn't make sense
To find a thousand more things that don't make sense
And I can't help but get lost in a fog like this
When I don't know how to hide myself in open air"

This can't go on.

2010-11-19T06:58:00.002+08:00

The thing is, if I were to tell you, I'm afraid of the things that come after that. I'm afraid if losing a friend. I'm afraid of the effects, I know will be bad. I'm afraid it wouldn't be the same again, just when it was getting better. If I were to tell you, I already know what will happen. And it's not sweet. And so, right now, I am apologizing first. If I am going to tell you, I just want to say, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what am I doing right now,which is sort of making things worse. Its not like I can't let these go, its just that I don't want to. And I know the consequences that are associated with it. If it happens, I know that you will think, what a terrible person I am, and I am, for what I'm doing now. It's just not right.

Honestly, I think it's best kept secret. Both.

2010-11-14T21:11:00.002+08:00

I never thought this day would come, but it did.

On another note, I was just thinking the other day about, how a guy treats you when they like you and how they treat you when everything is over, is way way way different. When he likes you, and you like him, the things he does for you, it just makes you feel like you're a princess. Really.

For me, last time yeah, I was treated really nicely and everything. It seemed like I was his center of attention, which wasn't a good thing, I think. But the way he treated me, it was incredible. Never has a guy treated me in such a way. It was good, while it lasted. Right now, well, let's just say it in one word. Nothing. When you don't mean anything to someone in that sort of way, everything is just different. The things that he used to do for you, it's all gone. It's not to say I don't miss it being treated that way. I do, but I know, one day I will find someone who would do the same things he did, or maybe even better. Now, everything's gone and over with. I don't mind because it wasn't meant to be. I don't fuss about it because he was not the one for me.

One day, mine will come.

2010-11-12T21:33:00.002+08:00

Won't we all? The ideal guy, he must be somewhere out there.

My head lies to my heart and my heart it still believes. I'm afraid of where this is leading to. It's already approaching the danger zone. It's come to the time where missing would appear when you're not seen. I would never tell you this, but it's true. It gives me that sort of feeling, that makes me miss and long for the sight of you. I don't like where this is heading to. I know I should make it stop, but it's soo hard. It has come to a point where my perception is changing, my eyes playing tricks on me - meaning that my feelings are currently at borderline. This is bad, bad, bad. I have longings I shouldn't have. I'm starting to imagine things and daydream. Oh gosh, why is this happening? It's crazy, because I never had this planned in the first place.

Before the year ends, I will have a post reflection on the year, 2010. So many things happened in such a short span of time. Incredible.

2010-11-09T07:35:00.002+08:00

Do you ever find that sometimes what you never thought to happen actually happens without any warning at all? Why didn’t my mind warn me, “Be careful, this will bring you much confusion and your heart will turn inside out upside down crazily jumbled up in the future”. Why didn’t I see it coming? This heart is filled with confusion, a confused heart.

I would just lie there, staring into blank space, confused wondering “what have I done? How did it come to this?” I know, sometimes I shouldn’t put myself in a certain situation but I do it anyway because of this heart. This heart, oh, so weak and it gives in so easily. Why does it fight what my brain tells me not to do? Why does my heart win all the time? This heart, it makes me do things I know I shouldn’t. Consequences associated with it, it’s never sweet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking in the context of doing something horribly bad. I’m just getting myself deeper and deeper into most likely hurting another and may be hurting my own self too, in the future.

Oh, how it started. Just a simple little moment, never knew what sort of feelings could dawn upon me because of that. Ever since, I’ve been feeling things; I’ve been thinking about things, I’ve felt so confused and lost. Funny how just a single significant moment could spark the most unexpected. I feel like such a fool. I should stop, stop, and stop. But why do I find it so hard to do? Why do I continue putting myself in such situations? Why do I rebel against my own mind? This will not do me any good, no, it wouldn’t, yet I continue. This longing it’s driving my heart crazy. This longing must leave.

It is not to say I do not desire to mention what’s going on; it’s just that I cannot. Feelings blooming inside of me please disappear. I need you to go. Now.

2010-11-04T10:10:00.003+08:00

Reality. It is the state of what something really is, rather than what you perceive it to be. And I'm reluctant to live in it right now in this situation. Why, I ask myself. It's not like I anticipated this to happen, its not like I wanted it to happen. So, why? I want to pull myself back, but I find it hard to do. If you were to look into my heart and mind right now, you would find it hard to go through it because it is all knotted up, and obstructions, even I honestly can not go look into my own mind without giving up. I need an answer.

I'm just afraid of the consequences. It won't be sweet. It never is. So, what should I do? I ask myself. But I myself do not know. Leave it to God.

2010-11-01T08:04:00.002+08:00

It was as if something sparked right there and then. It's crazy. Now I'm curious if it'll fade and grow. I can't understand my heart. What's happening? What should I say. But either way.. I know this can't happen.

You asked me if I was trying not to like you, I actually replied, "let me think" and I thought about it, and I gave you the answer. No. I'm happy. But whatever happened, I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't replace it. Nothing can. No one can replace our memories .. and you.

2010-10-30T15:39:00.002+08:00

Ohmygosh, this is not happening. Ah crap. I'm screwed. No no no, I can't. I really can't. Today has been so weird. I found myself thinking about things I've never thought about before. This has not happened in awhile. But I don't know, its just like something was planted on my heart. I wouldn't say its not a nice feeling, but oh crap I can't. Sigh. What to do? I need to keep this in for now.

2010-10-29T23:13:00.005+08:00

PROM WAS AWESOME! BEST OUT OF THE 3!
A night to remember

First highlight of the night: THE LIMO RIDE!
In picture: limo is on the left and my table people!

Second highlight of the night: THE VENUE!
gotta say, the place looked pretty nice! The food wasn't bad either!

Third highlight of the night: THE DANCE!
This is the only prom that I've actually REALLY danced. The previous 2 were just awkward. lol.

Fourth highlight of the night: THE SLOW DANCE!
which I do not have a picture of, but my other friend has.
First slow dance ever, in my life. (:
Gotta say though, it felt good, like REALLY good. *giggles*
Its not something I would regret doing.

Fifth highlight of the night: JUST CHILLING BY THE RIVER.
The weather was perfect! God is good!

Overall, it was definitely a night to remember. Everything has a first to it. Today, first time I've sat in a limo, first time I've actually really danced in a prom, first time I've slow danced. All were amazing!

2010-10-28T14:22:00.001+08:00

Boys who smell good, that was the conversation that I had with friends the other day. We were discussing how we love it when guys smell good. Particularly your special someone. When that special someone has a particular smell, it just stays with you and everywhere you go, you would know how he smells like if someone smelled similar.

Even if you try to remember how he smells like now, you probably wouldn't be able to remember, but when someone passes you by and that smell is brought about again, the first person that comes into your mind is him/her? True? And for me, I would smile to myself.

If you were to ask me how he smelled like, I wouldn't remember. But sometimes, a stranger passes by, and he would smell like him, I would immediately take a double look at him, wondering if its actually you. Funny, but true.

Everyone should have a particular smell, it somehow in a way defines you. Of course, it has to be a nice smell. Whether its the smell of their cologne, or perfume, it has to smell nice. You do.

2010-10-22T14:09:00.003+08:00

Why do people assume?
Why is it so hard?
Why are good friends so hard to find?
Why do we hurt each other?
Why is it so hard to find love?
Why is it so hard to feel loved?
Why do I get hurt so easily?
Why do I think so much?
Why do thoughts taunt us?
Why do friends come and go?
Why does my heart feel so empty?
Why am I holding back tears?
Why do I feel that pinch in my heart?
Why do I feel like I'm hurting inside?
Why do I feel like I'm a bad friend?
Why can't I be bothered?
Why do I feel like I should just give up?
Why don't I understand how I feel?
Why am I confused?
Why don't I fit in?
Why is it so hard to put a smile on my face now?
Why do things happen like they did?
Why do I wonder why?

I'm just balancing on one fine wire. Why?

2010-10-20T17:55:00.002+08:00

"An individual's dreams reveal his or her secret wishes ..."
- Freud

I had a dream the other night. When I woke up, the only section of the dream that I could remember was that one significant part. Only that. And I wondered why. The rest of the dream was pushed into the unconscious and only that part was left. I kept replaying that part of the dream in my head and I was amazed to find how real it felt when I was dreaming about it. I could give you every single detail about that moment. I could even tell you that my heart raced. And then i realized how I never really gotten that connection before. I was so restricted when I was younger, I was deprived of things like the one in my dream. And it felt good, really good. What's funny was, YOU were the one in my dream. I would have never thought in a million years that it would be you. I don't know, but it's just weird but it makes me feel so content and happy in that moment. If you ask me if I would tell him, my answer would be, I don't suppose so, but maybe one day, maybe.

2010-10-14T08:19:00.002+08:00

This morning, one of my friend's asked me, 'If you could go back to one point of time in your life, what would it be?' I may be paraphrasing a little.

But out of the many thoughts that came into your head, you appeared. I thought to myself, yeah, if I could go back many times, one of the times that it happens has to be the first time we got together. I 13, you 16. When that thought came into my head, I just lost all concentration in the lecture and day dreamed and just starting smiling to myself. It's funny how until today, I still can remember what happened in that year, even if its a little blur. The feelings that I felt when we were together, it was incredible and irreplaceable. First love. I just couldn't help but smile to myself.

I immediately texted you after I finished day dreaming. And while I was walking down the road, its funny how up to now you can still make me smile like an idiot while walking down the road, reading what you say in your text. After a couple of casual questioning, I told you what happened in class just now and you replied saying, 'if i could go back in time, I would go back to the first time we got together and try to change your parent's mind about me, and I will make our relationship way better and not done all the mistakes I have done'. That made me smile. But we can't always be living in what if's. Life has to go on and that was what happened. I am glad that we didn't lose contact and are still good friends after all these years and after how much we've gone through. And I'm happy to still have you in my life.

2010-10-13T21:15:00.003+08:00

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.

O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers. I have not art to reckon my groans. But that I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.

Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this
machine is to him, Hamlet. "

By far the best portion of Shakepeare's, Hamlet.

"If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don't align,

If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning."

- Katy Perry

2010-10-12T05:28:00.003+08:00

Pastor Matt spoke on Sunday 2 days ago. He reminded us about the contrast between an adult's life and a kid's life. you see, when we were kids, colouring outside the lines is okay. as we grow up, we tend to be more fussy about keeping the colour in the lines so that it does not go out of line. It is fun to colour outside the lines. When was the last time you took a risk?

But what if something wrong happens?
- Hey! It's life!

Kids POV. Keep in mind to compare it to an adult's life

Kids don't enjoy losing
- they get up again

Kids celebrate life

Kids are always hungry for more
- God's got something new for us every single day
- always have room for more

Kids always ask why

Kids aren't afraid to show their emotions

Kids forgive quickly
- Don't hold grudges

If kids are not having fun, they get out of it
- If your heart is not in it, get out of it.

Kids keep dreaming
- we adults, tend to always look at the negative side of life

Kids share with each other
- we're afraid of people stealing from us

Kids are determined

Do you feel like you should be a kid again?

2010-10-09T22:14:00.002+08:00

Because I know I'm living in a fantasy.
Because I know it's not possible.
Because I'm intrigued.
Because it makes me feel happy.
Because nothing else matters.
Because I tell my friends.
Because of the little things.
Because of all the fuzzy muzzy cozy growing inside.
Because I'm giving up.
Because I miss.
Because it's been awhile.
Because, the voice.
Because I wish.
Because I know nothing will happen.
Therefore, I'm leaving it behind, again.

I am not upset. No, seriously.

2010-10-01T21:57:00.003+08:00

"Dizzy.

That’s how you feel when you run into a significant other you haven’t seen in a long time. A bitter avalanche of icy memories plows into your chest at breakneck speed, stealing the very breath from your lungs. Gasping for air, there’s really no use fighting it; the blow is instantaneous and it’s overpowering. Your eyes land on this person, your heart immediately stops dead, your knees go weak and you internally panic. You force yourself to walk over, but before either of you say hello, you’ve already got an endless amount of things you secretly want to say and an equally lengthy list of questions you wish you could ask.

What affection the two of you once shared was absolutely beautiful, consequently rendering any unanticipated meetings thereafter twice as awkward. But as everyone always reminded you, life has a way of operating, God has a mysterious way of working, and sometimes things change without a moment’s warning. Even after it was all said and done, it’s still hard to imagine how things could’ve ever evolved from “always” to “never” in what seemed like a single dramatic heartbeat.

Months and months later, you run into this particular person unexpectedly and the realization hits you like a brick wall. The pain is still there. It’s almost as painful as the night you said goodbye. Enough time has passed to con you into thinking you’ve begun to heal, and of course you probably have, but then you see this person and suddenly those old familiar aches begin to hurt all over again. You were finally beginning to mend after what happened, the relationship withered and ended, however dramatically, but the moment you lock eyes with this person you once shared so many dreams with, your stomach turns and a bitter taste fills your mouth. You can barely breathe. Half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you.

So there you are, standing face-to-face, unsure of what to say aside from the typical small talk jabber. A myriad of emotions swirl through both your heads but they only make former lovers more confused. Maybe you hug an awkward I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever gesture, but that familiar mixed scent of perfume and cologne makes it even more impossible to know how to act, brief as the impending conversation inevitably will be. You just can’t stop thinking “things will never be the way they used to be” and that’s what hurts most. You both know where your identities lie, Who ultimately claims your hearts and where your fortresses are… and those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen meeting is still severely painful and there’s no denying that. It keeps you both awake for nights.

As healing as it is, you can only drive around at night listening to The Swiss Army Romance so many times.

This is me being honest. I tossed and turned a lot last week. I thought about someone so much it was unhealthy.

So here’s hoping I fall asleep easier tonight if I send a simple message out into the void:

Girl,

I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much.

I just wish you knew how much I miss you.

Adam"

- Adam Young via owlcityblog.com

It was as if Adam took the words I couldn't express right from my heart and put it into words. Every emotion and feeling he wrote, I feel. While reading it, I could feel a pinch in my heart, because I know that is exactly how I feel. Adam knows. God knows. Do you know? Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

2010-09-30T21:33:00.002+08:00

IM JUST READY TO GO BACK TO MELBOURNE.

Just like the first time I was going to leave Malaysia, I need an escape. Melbourne will be that escape. I just can't handle it anymore. I need to leave this place for awhile. Be away.

I wish they would understand and see my situation the way I see it. It hurts. Escape.

2010-09-29T17:50:00.005+08:00

Not happy. And I myself am not even sure why. I feel like there is so many things that is on my heart, such a burden. Trying to break out of it, but it just feels like I'm suffocating. Why? I honestly have no idea.

So what if you think I'm insane? Crazier things have happened. They don't see it, but oh, I feel it.

2010-09-29T00:07:00.001+08:00

"The little things, you do to me are
Taking me over, I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me
Oh, like a nervous heart that, is crazy beating"

I just noticed, I am one confused little girl.

2010-09-27T14:27:00.003+08:00

oh, you've got game.

yesterday reminded me of why I love my friends back home, it reminded me of happiness, a laid back and contended life. I was happy yesterday. For one day, I didn't care about the problems that I had. For one day, I couldn't stop being happy. For one day, I felt so happy that I came home. Thank you Sarah-Ann, Daphne, Tiff, Anna, Germaine and Josh. You made my day awesome.

Heavy heart. Yeah, that's how my heart is right now. So many problems, so little time. somehow, I feel like such a failure. I am concerned, worried, confused. I realised that life will not get easier as we grow. The more we grow, the more problems we have. Time, please stop. Sigh, heavy heart please disappear.

I think you're incredible.

2010-09-25T00:55:00.002+08:00

tell me, is it weird that every time i watch a romance, i get this short of pinch and tug in my heart that hurts? I don't know why it happens but I know what causes it.

I was just watching a movie just now, a romance. Of course, they had all the lovey dovey parts. Watching that, I don't know why it hurt, but it did. I question myself why. And I probably have the right answers to why my heart reacted the way it did. I know.

I miss it. I want it. Something I never got to experience, yet. I know what i had; but it wasn't like that kind. And I keep dreaming and hoping, one day, it will come eventually. But I miss that kind of feeling I have when it comes around. It drives you crazy, it makes you do stupid things, it makes you say stupid things you regret later but its okay, because you know that you can't control it. What you say, is exactly how you feel.

I truly miss it.

2010-09-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

that's very true. imagine if we were living in a dreamworld. wow. everything would be just perfect? but of course, that wouldn't happen in a million years. in my mind, possibly, but i know it isn't healthy to imagine so.

"That kind of love's easy,
The kind you never knew
That kind of love's easy
The kind that you never get used to"

sometimes i wonder, what really attracts me to a certain someone who seem impossible to be attracted to in the first place. the people that i could never see myself being attracted to, i did. and i question myself why. and then i realised why. they may not be the best looking people around, they may not be of appropriate age, but what i really was attracted to was simple, their personality. its crazy, funny, but its true. and then i realised, there IS much more to a person than their looks. i have learnt not to only look at the outer but more importantly the inner. it doesnt matter if he's not the best looking guy. after all, outer beauty fade, but what lies inside, remains for a lifetime.

2010-09-15T13:36:00.003+08:00

It is good to be home. (:

It was great fun surprising people! The priceless expressions of Sarah-Ann Yong and Daphne Lee (who i surprised in person), ohmygosh, it made me feel so happy. I've been waiting for weeks to see how they would react. (: who says I can't pull off a surprise eyh?

And surprising people on the phone, ah, so nice. some guessed it was me, some couldn't. lol. So many asked me, 'what are you doing back?!?!'. Really fun. (:

I'll enjoy my time back home. Though, i really do miss Melbourne's weather. Malaysia is just too hot.

2010-09-07T21:35:00.001+08:00

"It’s not that she’s crushed about the past, she was heartbroken at first and that’s a given, but enough time has passed to allow her to heal and she’s only beginning to breathe easier again. Unfortunately, certain memories set off tidal waves of heartache, and once the right thought hits her, it’s like a snowflake that starts an avalanche. Bitter memories come rushing in so fast, she starts drowning and it doesn’t matter how hard she kicks and struggles, everything reminds her of the way things used to be… or rather how bitterly they ended."

- Adam Young; Owl City

2010-09-06T23:04:00.003+08:00

Its you.

A simple conversation with a friend led to the reading of my diary, where i have written in since 2004. It all started when we talked about how we used to be treated by a special someone. The dairy came about as i wanted to recap the feelings that i felt when i was younger. As I started reading, page by page, my friend looked at me and said, "you know what I'm looking at now? A mirror". You were in it, since 2005 even until this year. You cannot imagine how many times your name appeared in those pages. Immediately, I could once again picture myself as a 13 year old girl, heads over heels for you, writing what a naive 13 year old would write in her dairy. It was cheesy, yes, but they were memories.

Year after year without fail, you appeared. Some were happy entrees, some were sad entrees. As i read through the sad ones, as i read it out loud, my voice started cracking and i found myself trying to contain the tears. Amazing how up to this day, the hurt that i had put into words on paper could still bring back the same emotions today. I could feel my heart doing its usual when it comes to you. Though the happy ones were amazing, but the sad ones were the one that impacted me the most, that remained in my memory. And I wonder why.

Of course, it's not to say that you were the only thing I wrote about in my dairy. There were others too. But if I were to write about a person, it would usually be you. As I read continuously from 2005 to 2006 to 2007 to 2008 to 2009 and then to 2010, I realized how much I have matured in my view of you, but there is always that hint of similarity, in the writings of a 13 year old and an 18 year old. You are a constant. You have no idea how many times I have written that I've had enough and I would move on, and I remember I kept wondering when the day would come where I would finally fully let you go, and it finally happened, end of last year. Though I've let go of everything that we dream of being, the things we would do, the promises, all hope, all dreams, there will always be that small part of me that will always have you in it. Even if its hidden deep down under.

I'm not saying that I still feel for you, in that way. Not that I don't want to, but I can't. I can't afford going through what I endured all those years anymore. It was time I moved on, and I have. But there will be times where there will be this tug in my heart and there will be times where I would shed a tear or two. Don't ask me why I held on for so long, don't ask me what is it about you. because I told you, it's you. You may say that you're boring, simple and have nothing much to offer, but there is just this thing about you. I believe first loves have the biggest impact.

"When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are"

- Bruno Mars

2010-09-04T00:18:00.002+08:00

"I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much"

and I just don't care. and it's going crazy. again. never fail to put me in this state. always. love it but hate it. and i wonder why. after all this while. it still happens. where do you stand in my life? here. my best friend.

imysmmtl. ly.

2010-08-29T13:27:00.001+08:00

I Love you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you and you! (:

imygirls.

2010-08-26T09:29:00.002+08:00

angau? say what?

just because it didn't end up like how you though it should be, doesn't mean that you can't dream about it, even when there isn't any hope left. but also keeping in mind that these hopes should not be kept high, or you will see it come crashing down, leading to disappointment, hurt, sadness. close your heart to it.

just because you say something, it doesn't mean that you mean it. you may never know that when a person says something, what they actually meant was the opposite. still, you should know exactly where you stand, and make sure you do not vary from it. because if you do, you will see a rush of emotions that will come crashing upon you. not positive emotions, no.

just because you know something is impossible, it doesn't mean that you can't miss it. you know it, when you do miss it. because the feelings that boil up inside of you, it drives you crazy and tries to pull you into giving in to that fantasy world again. know where you stand, and don't move away from it. keep to that promise that you made to yourself, if you did.

it's never easy, no. but it gets easier in time. False hopes and false dreams will just lead to something disastrous.

And I know, from experience. And i know where i stand and am firm on it.

2010-08-21T08:16:00.002+08:00

Always.

"Suppose you want to communicate to someone that he or she is totally special to you. You don't say it with stinkweed. You don't dial a florist and have a dozen dandelions delivered. You buy a gorgeous long-stemmed rose. Bigger and better yet, you buy a bunch of roses. Why? Because roses are the crowning of God's work in the flower department. Here's the surprise: A rose left to itself stays small and thorny. But with loving care from a gardener, the roses reaches its full potential" - Josh McDowell

2010-08-15T14:13:00.003+08:00

This post will be dedicated to you, Sarah-Ann Yong Jenlee.

Happy Happy 18th Birthday! (: is 18 a milestone? i think it is? people make 18 a big thing right? or not? wait, is that 16? haha, i forgot. anyways, Blessed Birthday Sarah! :D i know i know, you miss me and my big skinny, yet tight hugs, but dont worry, ill be giving you hugs again when i get back wookays? imissyou sho much! its crazy. i will never forget the surprises you and daphyy pull off for me, SOO many times, seriously. and i will never get tired of it. *hint hint* (; you girls are like surprise queens or something. lol. one day, i'll get you back, i promise. (; BEWARE! heheheheheh. but i did surprise you sarah! with a phone call all the way from the land down under to the ubi kentang! ubi kentang as in Malaysia, of course. haha. I hope that made you smile uber huge and made your night, because i intended to do so. hehe. it was really nice listening to you talking majorly uberly fast again! :P

one more thing, i thank God that i have you as a friend Sarah. he has given me a caring and loving friend like you. i mean, who else would travel all the way to the airport in a major rush last minute just to give me a surprise goodbye one last time before i go off? nawh, you're awesome. although, you failed. :P but just the thought of you wanting to give me one last hug before i go off, that's really something. its times like that when i know and reminded that i have such an awesome friend. though i can't be with you today, i know that you'll have fun with your family later. though of course, it would have been better if i were there yes? :D

icecream date when i get back okay?

loveyou my dear sis. God Bless youu!

2010-08-10T08:01:00.005+08:00

present given by Pastor Sam during the conference

And she became a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. 2 SAM 14:27.

ever wondered why the beauty fell in love with the beast in beauty and the beast?

what does she see in him? A gorgeous woman in love with a half-man, half-lion.

I believe that the movie was meant to send a message across to us all. and only now i notice. Beauty is attracted to Beast not because of his appearance, but in spite of it. She loves him for his sensitivity and compassion. And part of the show's appeal is that love like that is rare.

Always, we tend to be caught up in the idea that looks are everything. The media machine pushes the idea that being beautiful means instant, unending happiness. Beauty sometimes is the beast that drives a girl to depression or robs a guy of his self-esteem.

Whether you are pleased with the person you see has more to do with what you can't see than with what you can.

"People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at a person's thoughts and intentions"
-1 Samuel 16:7

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” - Psalm 139:14

so, who will tell you what beauty is? People or yourself?

2010-07-31T22:55:00.002+08:00

so there's this conference coming up next week, "Beautiful Woman" organized by Planetshakers, which is, my church is Melb, right now. i gotta say though, i really love my church. its awesome to the max and the people are just plain wonderful. next week, i really can not wait for the conference. i am going to it with an expectant heart, knowing that God will do something incredible in my life.

my brother's are here. both of them. elder and younger. boy oh boy, how much have my younger brother grown! i remember how he used to be a teeny chubby kid and now he's tall and my friends go, 'your younger brother is good looking!' my my, i knew one say this would happen. but it is good to have family around with you in a foreign country again. my whole family is coming over next week for my brother's graduation. i can't wait. but its a pity that my brother is already graduating and ill be the only one left here, until my younger brother arrives next year. but its not the same as having an older brother you know. its as if he's my protector, someone who would keep be safe. i like it, and i will miss it, i will miss him.

tonight, an event "Its Time" organized by Planetuni went on. the event was pretty good. the dance was great! and the acting was great too! a bunch of friends came along to the event. its encouraging you know, to see so many people tagging along. knowing that, seeds are being sown into their lives. what it needs is, watering and then watch the magic happen. but time, just give it time. all in all, today was good!

essay after essay. i seriously can not wait to get this psychology over and done with. it has been annoying me. but i know that after this, a worst essay is gonna come about. History, gah. Hitler, so depressing. 4 more essays to go, and one drama presentation to go. goodness me, this term is crazy. but thank God i don't have exams this term, if not i will be literally going crazy. i need you Lord, to help me through this term. i know that you will be my comfort, and strength. an ever present help is times of trouble. my guide.

oh! and really, who reads my blog? how come my hit counter goes up like freaking fast? its freaky, because i thought not alot of people know my blog. hm, oh well. have fun reading? (:

okay, im gonna admit, i really miss you.

2010-07-23T21:30:00.002+08:00

when you have many friends, friends whom you can go crazy with and have fun without a care in the world, that is amazing. knowing that through the ups and downs, they will be with you whenever and whatever happens. you have found that. i know, it is nice to have people joking around with you all the time.

when you have just one or two good friends, it may not be as happening as the larger group, but when you have fun with those one or two friends, sometimes, that is all you need, sometimes, that is even better compared to having too many friends in a group. one who will always understand you, be there for you, a best friend. if you were to give me a choice, i would the type of person where i prefer having a few close friends with a strong connection between each other. if you were to ask me if i would go out with a big group of friends or just a few close friends, i will pick a few close friends. because, that is where the connection is.

but yes, in a small group of friends, when they are not there (not intentionally), loneliness befalls. that happens. and the feeling that you feel isn't pleasant at all. the hope of just having your friend with you when you need them and knowing that he/she isn't available at that time, it kills. but always, there is that sense of hope where you just want them to come back. i am not saying that being alone sometimes isn't good. for me, sometimes, alone time is what you need. recently, i have found a liking in walking back and forth to class alone with the music from my ipod playing while i walk. then, i have time to think.

taken away from me, they have. of course, it doesn't feel good. that pinch in my heart. sooner or later everyone faces a loss or separation that ends in inward hurt. but i know, even when you've gone for now, i know someone who will never leave me. He will always be my best friend, Jesus is one friend i can never lose. He will always be there for me. He won't change how he feels about me or dash my heart to pieces. He will forever be my best friend.

i miss you, my friend.

"Jesus you are my best friend,
you will always be,
nothing will ever change that"

2010-07-19T21:33:00.003+08:00

if you were to ask me to name friends whom i can totally depend on and trust in Australia in 3 seconds, i would probably only end up thinking of 4-5 people. something got me thinking just now, about who my real friends are. well, in Australia that is. in my head, i had a little debate with myself. i, myself am confused with the outcome. i thought i had it all. had it all figured out. i guess not. right now, i am still in search, in discovering things in my life i thought i have already known. lately, i honestly do not know what is going on with me. i feel as though there is always this uneasiness in my heart. and trust me, it isn't a good feeling. it messes with my emotions, with the way i think, with the way i act around people. my mind is in a chaotic mess. i just need someone.

shutting myself away is most probably the worst thing i can do, but there is just something in me that does not want to converse, to tell people about whatever is going on in my head. because quite honestly, i myself do not know.

i just want people whom i know will always be there for me, no matter what happens. who are you?

2010-07-17T22:41:00.002+08:00

sometimes, life's a blur. i feel like my mind is just so clouded up with thoughts and my heart being filled with mixed and confused emotions, i just can't work them out on my own. and that is when i know, that i need the help of the Big guy up there.

i miss home. that is for sure. but what i miss more than home, is the people that are so dear to me back home. i miss them. i miss them so much, its crazy. i wish i could just escape from my current life of essays, researching, and studying and just go home and be with them. but we can never always get what we want, can we? its times like these when you just got to face reality and snap out of the world that you want to be in and live with what's right in front of you. in trials, perseverance is created.

i am confused about my future. which path should i take, i dont even know. its times like these when confusion and worry strikes me. i feel like i do not even know what i should do. and i only have a couple of weeks left to decide before i apply for uni. what to do? i dont know. i need His guiding hand, really. i hope i pick the right path.

results. disspointing. they weren't amazing, they weren't that bad, except for math. but it was less than my expected. being around smart people all day, doesn't help with my feelings too. but oh well. i know that i have done my best already, and God has given me the results thatHe thinks i deserve. i shall just accept them. i mean, if He has everything planned out for me in my life, i shouldnt need to worry too much right? because He will NEVER set me up to fail.

I MISS YOU SO BAD.

2010-07-11T21:37:00.002+08:00

200TH POST.

being back in melbourne, it isnt as bad as i thought it would be, well, in terms of the weather. i actually enjoy the weather, its cooling and nice. but in terms of everything else, oh, how i miss home! yeah, i already am feeling homesick. and my computer breaking down did not help with the homesickness. seriously, why couldn't it happen in malaysia instead of aussie? its so much more troublesome over here compared to malaysia.

the worst thing is, i may need to change my hard disk and that means, all my information will be gone. sigh. all my pictures, all the memories, all the videos, all my past college work. sigh. i really pray and i believe that some miraculous thing will fall upon my computer and it will work eventually. its with one of my friend's now, trying to get it fixed. i am never getting a dell anymore! but i am glad that i have helpful friends. one of my friend's lent me her computer to use, which is so essential. for me to do my assignments and research and communicating with people back home. thank God for her and my friend's who are helping me!

on another brighter note, i just have to blog about the view that i got in the air in the plane on the way back to melb. so, i toke a midnight flight back home. and at about 3.45am, i looked out the window, and the view was spectacular! i was caught in between flashes of lightning from diferent areas under the mist of clouds down under the plane and the sky up above, were filled with spalshes of different amazing stars, of all shapes and sizes. it was so beautiful! i was literally staring out the window for a good 5-10 mins. i wanted to take a picture or a video, but couldnt see anything because it was dark. but the stars were so close, it was super 'wow'.

and then at 5.45am, i looked out the window again. and this time, it was a sight of the crescent moon in the night sky with the stars surrounding it. and then a hint of bright orange suddenly appeared on the horizon of the bed of clouds, indicating sunrise. it was so amazing! i was watching the sunrise with the moon and stars still present. i toke loads of pictures, which i will post up, when i get the chance! how awesome is it to be watching a sunrise in the air? (:

the whole time i was thinking, wow, how amazing are the creations of the one and only God of all creations. he has blessed me with such an amazing sight. no words or pictures could capture what my eye actually saw.

"The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another, the star differs from star in splendor"
-1 Corinthians 15:41

"When i look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?"
-Psalm 8: 3-4

2010-07-05T02:15:00.004+08:00

i honestly don't know. oh, here we go, this is happening all over again, i think. i mean, its not like i hate it or anything like that, its just that when it happens, i dont know what to do about it. some things are just not possible, but somewhere in me, a teeny part of me just wish it would happen already. ah, amazing.

funny how voices can have such an impact on me. *giggles*

in the mean time, i do not want to go back to Melbourne yet!

2010-07-01T00:18:00.004+08:00

so i was reading something today. that something was a hand-made 5 page card, binded together. basically, it was a love card from a girlfriend to a boyfriend. while i was reading it, from the start, to the end, i could feel my heart twisting and feeling all funny on the inside. i guess its the feeling that i have been longing to feel for a long time. a feeling that only should be felt when someone is in love. i haven't had that feeling in awhile. but reading that, it made me remember and realize how amazing that feeling can make me feel, how soft and mushy i feel on the inside.

And then, it brought me back to my old days. days when almost everyday, i would feel that way, how i would miss that certain someone so much its crazy and how i would go to all ends to make him happy and feel loved. but ever since i decided to move on from that, i haven't felt that way. i guess its safe to say that i miss it. that feeling. that feeling of being so in love with someone, you long to be with that person always. so far, only one person has made me feel that way. but i know someday, someone will come into my life, and make me feel all melty on the inside, all cheesy, all crazy on the inside again. someone who would guard my heart and his, because after all, the heart is what matters most of all. one day, it will come.

but for now, to enjoy my single life as long as i can, is what i plan to do, because how long do you get to be single for before you get attached for the rest of your life? But one thing's for sure, the next guy that comes around, this is how i want it to be, its either we'll make it to the end, or non at all. im tired of all the endless hurting. why get together with someone when you know that you will end it with them eventually? saves you the tears, saves you the hurt, saves you the sad phase of trying to get over that person. well, for me, i will try to keep to what i believe in right now. and always, always, always, God comes first.

2010-06-28T18:40:00.002+08:00

i miss it.

sometimes, however much you try to avoid it, things just dont seem to work out the way you would want it to be. and you question yourself why, you question yourself until you just don't have the answer for yourself. and then you get confused.

but sometimes, maybe it is for the better. maybe it is not God's will. maybe if you have gone through with that something, it wouldn't have turned out well. it's all up to God really. and you should be listening the Him, not your own mind and going against His will. sometimes the things that you want to happen, it just doesn't. but don't fret about it, because maybe it will turn out for the better. the time's spent, it can never be replaced.

moving on! this is my third day i am home already! pretty sad how it has already been 3 days! soon enough, i will be going back. sigh. if only my holidays are longer. my friends are having college too. which makes it hard for me to catch up with them. and not to mention, transportation! goodness me, if only KL was like Melbourne, able to walk everywhere and it would be okay. but even if i don't get to meet with all of my friends, i will still enjoy my time here with my family and friends and good food! but yeah, it is good to be home. i have not been home in 7 months and alot of things have changed actually. well, not the people in particular, but things like stuff in my house, YC services, we sit on chairs now, how weird is that! lol. but its good to be home anyway.

one thing that i would need to blog about, my welcome home surprise! goodness me, it was the best one ever! well, not to say that i would have needed many welcome home surprises because this is the first time where the opportunity for it came about. anyway, this is how is happened. i arrived home, i got up stairs, cried out, 'MY ROOOOM!', opened my door, noticed something different (hearts stuck to my bed curtain, heart balloons on the floor, candy on my bed), and i said, 'oh wow' but in my heart i said, 'aww, my mum is so nice'. so i switched on my room light and BAM! Sarah-Ann Yong and Daphne Lee jumped up and shouted, 'SURPRISE!'. you could not imagine the look on my face, i was like, ':O :O :O :O :O???' but i was smiling too! you could not believe how many hugs i gave both of them, well, it was caught on video la, so i realized how many hugs i gave. the whole time i kept saying, 'whatt?! whatt?! whatt?!' but the unexplainable joy in my heart was priceless. (: and then, i found out that they self-invited themselves for a sleepover! goodness me, you girls. (: but we had a good night together. i have awesome girlfriends. God had blessed me with them. pity the rest of the girls couldn't make it though! but i still love all of you! (:

if there is one thing i miss about Melbourne, it would be the weather. it is just too hot and humid over here! but i'll enjoy home no matter what. (:

2010-06-23T21:24:00.002+08:00

EXAMS
ARE
OVER,
OH
YES
IT
IS!

and im coming (home) = LOVE.

2010-06-19T15:47:00.002+08:00

i can strongly relate to that.

i had this conversation with a friend the other day. it started off with me saying that when i listen to a couple of songs, they have a significant memory and meaning to it. it has the power to bring you back to that one moment, where that song signified your life at that time. a rush of memories comes back, and the feeling that you get when you listen to that song, that one person that pops into your head when it plays. before i got over everything, maybe last year, listening to those songs will most probably have made me cry because all i thought about was what could be and those days where the pain was strong. but today, when those songs play, yes, it does bring me back to those certain memories, but no, i do not feel sad, instead i smile and feel happy. smile because i thought about all the good times that we've spent, all the memories that we had, all the silly things we did. by this time, you would have guessed that i am talking about one particular person. and yes, he is very special to me, even to this day. i guess first love's have that kind of effect on you.

the songs that were 'our songs' were many, for which, each one of them, i listened to many many times. i guess the reason why we had so many, each different, was because of the years that we fell in and out of love so many times, i can't even remember how many. you just kept coming back when i thought i have moved on, then you with your charm, captured by fragile heart once again and then you never fail to break it all over again, each time mending it back again when you came back for me. but then there came a time where i just had enough, yes, you left it in pieces, but i picked them up, and this time, i mended my own heart, without your help. honestly, i hated that feeling, the pain i felt was so bad. but after all that, today, i am glad that i had that phase in my life, because now i am stronger.

you are still one of my closest friends today, and i am truly grateful for you, but thank you, for everything. i do not regret the emotions that i allowed you to put into me when i was younger, the memories, they remain with me, forever. you're a great person, you had a huge impact on my life, you made me stronger, those feelings that you gave me, they were beautiful, one day, i hope to find those feelings once again with someone else. but even if i found them, they will never be the exact same as those that i felt when i was with you. you are one that i really care for.

"There's always that one person
that will always have your heart
You never see it coming cause
you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me,
it's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby, you will always be my boo
I loved you when we were younger you were mine"

i remember i had that song on replay for a long time. i remember it being my most played song. i remember it having played more than a 100 times. i remember the moment you said, 'Happy Valentine's Day'.

"when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go"

i remember how much of an impact that song had on me.

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

i remember how silly i was when i sang this with my brother on his birthday, intending them for you but you didn't know until i told you.

"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do"

i remember you saying to me, 'come here, i want you to listen to this song. i was listening to this when we broke up'. you couldn't imagine the emotions that i felt when i heard it.

"You stepped on me, you walked on me
Boy you left your
Footprints on my
Heart broken crying over the way you left your
Footprints on my
Heart aching you ran all over me and left your
Footprints on my heart
My heart"

i remember making a drawing and put these lyrics on it.

"'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you"

i remember you saying, 'its just you and me'

looking back, i could understand why i fell so deeply for you.

you know who you are, if you were ever to read this, which i highly doubt. but you will always be someone who is dear to me heart. we've both moved on, yes, those feelings, i doubt they'll be back again, and i'm happy with my life right now and i'm glad you found the girl for you. i happy for you, trust me. good friends, we will be.

2010-06-11T09:37:00.003+08:00

i have.

many times, during the day when i lie down on the grass in the park during summer, when the sun is hidden behind the clouds, i realize how little we are. but particularly at night, whether i lie down in the park or anywhere else, or just simply looking up to the sky at night, you notice how amazing the sky is, and i usually wonder, how the stars can be so tiny when we look at it from earth but yet, many stars are way bigger than the earth. that makes me feel like i am really tiny. and then it leads to me thinking, if God is bigger than the whole universe, the other planets, and if the stars are bigger than the earth, and we are so tiny living on earth, then God must be magnificently huge! but still HE CARES FOR US, even when we're basically as tiny as dust to him. and then i realize how much he loves us, to the extent where he was willing to give up his one and only son for us, 'dust'.

have you ever noticed that when you have time to yourself, without any distractions and people around you, you tend to do alot of thinking which makes you realize many things that you have never noticed before, be it, little things or big things. while i was walking back alone from class, i had my ipod plugged in, just in my own world. but then i noticed, that i could still hear cars zooming by, music from the outside, people talking when i walk past them and i dont hear the music playing in my ears anymore,basically, i was caught up by the outside noises. then also, maybe its because i was using my EARPHONES. if i were to use my HEADPHONES, i would be so locked up into my own world, i wouldnt be able to hear anything. and then i realized, sometimes, life is like listening to music using the EARPHONES. we may have out own sense of thinking, our own opinion in things, and then you get distractions from the outside, you let them, (particularly friends) alter your thinking, your perception on things. you rely too much on other people's opinion, you don't even hear yourself anymore. you dont concentrate on the things that are directly ringing into your ears, but you decide to listen to what is outside.

im not saying that thats a bad thing, sometimes other people's opinion is good too, but sometimes, we just need to put on our HEADPHONES, and ignore whatever crap people may say about you, whatever things that they tell you that may influence you from being yourself. listen to yourself, because sometimes, you know best. dont get distracted by distractions. sometimes we get too influenced by the things people tell us, we tend over analyze them too much, which leads to you either being upset or confused etc. therefore, in certain situations, put on your HEADPHONES, its what's best.

2010-06-05T22:11:00.002+08:00

that's true.

the reason why you are the person you are today, is mostly influenced by the people around you, mostly friends. they may not have actually did something consciously that made you become who you are. but little things that are done unconsciously also impacts us all.

i was just thinking the other day, on how much i have changed since i got here. not in terms of character, though i do think my character might have altered. i am definitely more outspoken now and weirder because of *ahem* janelle oh *ahem*? but anyways, in terms of my character, i have definitely changed from being ignorant to the things happening around me (directions and not knowing where places are) to now, knowing how to get to places, the streets and all that. more observant. must be the fact that we walk everywhere in Melbourne. though there are tram services, i rarely take the tram.

woah, so many things have changed in my life since i got here. its funny how when i got here, my relationship with my parents improved, in comparison to my relationship with them back home. favour from God, it must be. speaking of favour, ever since Shakers conference, i can definitely say that how i live my life right now, has changed. not in a bad way, but in a very good way. by living in God's grace, i can see how my life has transformed from how i was before i came here. im not saying that i was really bad before i came to aussie, i was an alright kid. but now, i believe that i am a better person now.

ever since conference, crazy favour's that come in many different packages, have been occurring to me. its crazy! but its so great, i really thank God for it. im not gonna mention everything here, because really, its too many to mention. from the little-st things to things that really impacted me greatly. conclusion is, when you live in God and Him in you, crazy amazing things that make you go wowzah! happens. (:

on another note, i am going to be back in 20 days! oh yesss! i miss my friends, really. i can't wait to see them! excited excited! but in order to get back, i needa go through exams and essay first. but it will be fine, i can do this! i just can't wait to go back, to be back home. i can't wait to go back to my family, to my friends, to my dog, to my room, to the good food! wait for me, will you?

in that moment, i was in awe.

"look at the stars, look how they shine for you"

2010-05-29T21:03:00.002+08:00

sorry i haven't been updating lately, been kinda caught up with work and studying for my exams with are coming up in about 3 weeks! and in between that, i have essays due. sigh.

anyways, on a brighter note, i actually REALLY like autumn! its so beautiful! most of the leaves on the trees turning brownish red and though it falls and the tree gets bald, i find that there is a significant meaning to it which i will explain later. but yeah, i find autumn amazing! also, i think that its the best time to take pictures!

when i was still a lil kid, i used to love winter, i guess because i know winter = snow! and come one, what kid does not love snow? probably influenced by seeing the joy in Christmas movies when kids play in the snow or something, for me, it was! i remember waiting for that one day where i can actually see snow, but not just snow, but when snow was actually falling from the sky. and that, i got to experience during my trip to Italy end of last year. Venice, to be exact. i remember when i first saw snow falling for the sky, i immediately went berserk! i went out from the restaurant and shouted quietly to myself, 'SNOW!'. i remember the joy i felt at that time, i remember just standing out there in the freezing cold, just enjoying the snow falling. at that moment, i was a happy child.

and then, there was a point where i absolutely loved summer, until i came to aussie, where summer was scorching hot and stupid flies invade your personal space. but before this, i loved summer. and i think that the reason why i liked summer was because, i love beaches! i just have a thing for beaches. the sense of calmness when im at the beach, i sort of warm fuzzy feeling comes over me. i definitely have a thing for beaches. well actually, i love the dry land, but i hate the sea, when its deep and i can't see anything below me. that's just creepy. but yeah, beaches are great! but then, the countries where i love their beaches, all only have one season a year, which is hot all year long! im not sure if that counts as summer, but for me, the only reason why i loved summer was because of the beaches.

and now moving on, autumn is my thing! the weather is awesome. not too cold, yet not too hot. just perfect. and the scenery when you go to the parks, its just fascinating! and i know some people don't like autumn because they say that everything dies, but look on it on a brighter note, when the leaves fall of the trees and the trees turn bald, always look forward to spring where everything will bloom again. but think about it this way too, "the old has gone, the new has come!" it is related to a verse in the bible in 2 Corinthians. isnt that great? the past has gone, and a new life will soon blossom.

"So let's be quiet and be still and steal these peaceful hours all away
And claim the stars as ours, I know just where they'll be and what they'll say they will sing

Sleep well, sleep well tonight
Oh won't you sleep well, won't you sleep well tonight"

2010-05-23T23:10:00.003+08:00

There is definitely NO ONE else that is like you. you are AMAZING! you are the king of all kings. you are the Lord of my life. and i worship you, Lord.

AHMAGASH, seriously! this weekend has been so great, its just indescribable. alright, so i had a revelation yesterday, when i did my devotion in the park, i just needed God to speak to me, and He did! well, it wasnt an audible voice, but God can speak to you in whatever way. and yesterday, He spoke to me during my devotion, through the bible. you see, i was worried about a certain situation, afraid, fearful, doubting myself. and yesterday, God just gave me an assurance on this situation. be obedient and do not fear, He said to me. i will live to do your will Lord.

and tonight! FWAHHHHHHH! ITS LIKE SUPERRRRRRR POWERRR! ohmygoodness, i was out walking at night with a friend, and then Janelle texted me, and at first, i was curious because the text was so long, i thought what was up? and then when i started reading it, tears of happiness just came, i was so overwhelmed with it, i read it twice, thrice, four times, and each time, it never failed to touch my heart. this is the first time i received a prophecy. and its an amazing one. God spoke to me through Janelle! and what He said was so true, its just incredible. i literally have no words to describe how i felt at that moment, even now, i am still at lost for words. i feel breathless, not able to describe what i feel. but i know that it is an incredible feeling.

My God is good. My God is love. My God is bigger. My God is stronger. My God is able to do the impossible. nothing is too hard for Him. His love never fails. i believe in Him. Iloveyou Lord. now and forevermore. i know that you will do even greater things in my life.

"Command and teach these things. Dont let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, and in purity."
-1 Timothy 4: 11-12

Bits from the prophecy:

"You are growing faster than you ever have before. and for that, my child, is making me smile up in the heavens"

"Revelation is going to be served on a gold platter for you, my beloved."

"Because i am about to set your heart on fire, even more that i have before."

"I love you, little one. and i know that you love me too. and for that you will be rewarded greatly."

You are indescribable Lord. Iloveyousomuch, i can find no words to express how i feel. i thank you for speaking to me, for speaking through Janelle. I Thank you for the multitude of favour that you have poured out on me. I thank you that i can find no fault in my life right now. I thank you for loving parents. I thank you for such great friends. I can just keep thanking you and thanking you. you are amazing, my Father.

"My heart longs
For Your Love
My soul thirsts
For Your touch

There is no one like You God
There is none like You

There is no one else like You
There is no one beside You
There is no one else like You
My God, my King
No one else

Nothing compares to You my God
No one could ever take Your Love away
You're my King, my everything
Jesus"

-Planetshakers

2010-05-20T17:37:00.003+08:00

often in life, we tend to screw up, make mistakes and then either blame ourselves or the people around us. but though we usually see the bad in the mistakes we make, we should also always see the positive side of it. for all you know, something good might actually come out of something bad, and then you realize that, after all, it wasn't such a bad thing after all and you're actually glad that it happened.

i would know this because i have experienced it before, and i'm pretty sure many of you have too. looking back, im glad i made those mistakes, now i know that i shall never repeat them again. though, without experience, our eyes wouldnt be open to the world around us. we would be "blind" to it. and that is why, experiences are important. they are what made you and i the way we are today. can you imagine if you have never gone through the things you've gone through, i reckon you wouldn't be the same person you are today.

even when you make mistakes, and feel like such a loser or a foolish person, never drown yourself in misery, instead, look forward and see the things that could be and will be. i'm not saying that its easy, because i am also someone who has a hard time looking at the positive side of things when bad things come my way. but i am learning, everyday. its particularly good when you have a friend who encourages you on, and help you to realize the good side of your problems instead of the bad. if you have a friend like that, good on you, because i know i have one, and i am grateful! if you don't, you don't have to go through whatever you're going through alone, you can always just share with your friends. for all you know, they may have amazing advices!

also, whatever happens in your life, whether good or bad, never forget that God already has your life planned out, even before you were born. think about it this way, maybe its God's will for you to go through the things you go through. He would definitely make some good out of the problems you face, whether you realize it or not. He has done amazing things in your life, that you don't even notice. maybe its time we thank him for all he has done and pray for his will to be done in our lives. He is our protector, our guide to life.

"He's the only one that will be constantly everything you need" - Mae

make me smile like the sun.

2010-05-17T21:05:00.004+08:00

first things first, im happy that i got those things off my chest. it was bothering me. and im glad we talked about it. its all good now, isnt it? sorry for making a couple of you dear ones feel like how i made you feel. conclusion is, balance is the best.

and janelle, we are going to make that 'best fwen' day happen okay! (:

anyway! topic today is about hugs! alrights, so i was walking with a friend yesterday and at one point, we were talking about hugs. quite interesting. but yeah, like the picture above said, you need 4 hugs a day! i hope you have fulfilled your other 3/4 hugs!

its quite funny, cause today in my psychology lecture, we were talking about child development, like physical touch and all. like all about kids getting attached to their mothers because of this and that and so on. and then there was one point where she was talking about hugs. she said, "do not underestimate the power of a hug, there is just something about hugs where they say things that you cannot verbally say" i totally agree.

sometimes, a hug is all you need. sometimes, a hug says it all. hugs are awesome, it just makes you feel like you are loved. its good to be in someone's arms, and feel secure, even if its just for a split second. you know that you matter to that person, that you are someone dear to that person, that they care about you. have you ever noticed how like when you're upset and when you are already crying or on the verge of breaking down, someone gives you a hug and suddenly, you cry even more? but maybe its just me. im not saying its a bad thing. its a good feeling really. i think the reason why more tears fall from my eyes when someone gives me a hug when im crying is because, i feel like they care, like a sense of comfort, where i can cry and know that everything is going to be alright. there's this strange sense of longing to be in someone's arms when you're upset, do you ever feel like that? love, is where im getting to.

so world, isn't it time you give sufficient hugs? *hint hint janelle* :P

2010-05-14T15:33:00.003+08:00

there must be something with me and weekends. two weekends in a row, i've had this certain 'ugh' feeling. feels like its just weighing me down. and i know i've been trying to ignore these kinda feelings, but its not as easy. but that doesn't mean that i won't keep trying. however, something is bothering me, that's for sure.

there are some things that i simply don't understand. enlighten me.

it is times like these were i just feel like heading to somewhere nice and peaceful where i can just escape, even for the slightest moment. its times like these where i just feel like lying down in the park at night and spend some time just staring at the sky above, mesmerized by the stars. i may be over exaggerating, which i know i am. but i guess thats just how i am with my feelings. they tend to take over.

note to self: snap outta it! you're thinking WAY too much.

"Let Your presence come and saturate
Every part of me, make me new
Let Your Spirit come and move within
Fill me once again ’cause I need more

Jesus I’m desperate for You
Jesus I’m hungry for You
Jesus I’m longing for You
‘Cause Lord You are all I want"

-Planetshakers

2010-05-12T18:25:00.007+08:00

this post will be for you, you know who you are! and you are still stalking or at least you were until i found out! :P you know how i was wondering who actually reads my blog? i finally found one regular one who actually reads it!

here goes my post for you. it will get spiritual though, just a heads up!

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

-Matthew 11:28-30

extracts from Bishop T.D Jakes message from conference:

Be who we really are.

God wants us to be the real us. he is speaking to the real us, not who we perceive to be.

God knows what it takes to fix you.

Don't let our fear hold us back.

The enemy will give you an issue when God wants to give you a miracle.

He can fix every little need in our life.

Take off your mask that you hide behind and be who you really are.

from Ps. Rob Bradbury's message:

God sees you as who you could be.

have you realised that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

-Matthew 6:34

hey you, i know you think that you don't know who you really are, but let me tell you, how you act around the people whom you are totally comfortable with, THAT is who you actually are. that is where your true personality comes out. that is where you don't need to find the need to act differently just to get approval, hence, your true personality shows. don't try too hard to try to fit in, just let it come naturally. most of the time, people will tend to like who you actually are instead of who you perceive to be or try to be. don't force it. if people like how you actually are, they will come, and you wouldn't even notice it when they do.

i have learnt from experiences, and trust me, when you compare with the person that you really are, and who you try to be, you are more likable when you are yourself. (:

ilovethis song! seriously! and Zachary Levi(Chuck!) can sing! :O

2010-05-10T22:24:00.002+08:00

"You said: 'i know you by name and you have found favour with me.' if you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so i may know you and continue to find favour with you."

- Exodus 33:12b-13a

last week was such a busy week for me. it felt like i had something on every single day. and apparently, people have been telling me that they havent seen me in a long time. but this week, i'm gonna be a nerd and am gonna do some hardcore studying, just like i mentioned in my previous post. things i need to do this week: start on my HOI essay, do more research on my psych essay, finish my math work, study my psych.

other than that, last weekend was pretty full on. baking on saturday morning (finally!), birthday dinner at night, church on sunday and another birthday dinner at night. i barely studied. during the weekend, i found out some things that wasn't good to know, it affected me although it wasnt about me. that weekend, i felt that certain feeling that i haven't felt in such a long time. and trust me, it was not a good feeling. just when i thought that i could contain that sort of feeling if i ever come pass it again, i failed. but it was definitely an improvement compared to before. i wasn't as angry, i did not hate. but i forgave. and when i did, i felt good. like a burden has been lifted up. Thank God for that. Also, i believe that i am continually growing in my faith in God each passing day. My God is able to do anything, nothing is impossible in him.

sunset today was simply amazing. it made me realize how magnificent this creation that God has created. how the sun makes its way downwards, how the clouds look like fluffy cotton, how beautiful the colours can get, what a gorgeous sight. just like the certain kinda feeling you get when laying down on your back in the park at night and looking up to the sky and watching the stars twinkle, sunsets are just as amazing. i have yet to see a beautiful sunrise. one day, i will.

i haven't been able to chat with a couple of people whom i used to always chat to every night. i actually miss talking to them. i feel so out of touch. i dont wanna lose that connection that we had.

In darkness, in trial, my soul shall sing, of His mercy and kindness, our offering of praise, our God never fails.

beach holiday, please?

2010-05-07T11:15:00.004+08:00

woah, i havent blogged since tuesday! i guess thats because ive been a lil busy lately. been having loads of activities. even this weekend. but then also, this means that loads of *ka-ching* goes outta my purse! okay thats it, im not gonna spend next week! i gotta get back on track. seriously. i can do this!

but on the other hand, i finished my accounting essay! yay me! now, another 2 more to go. -.- darn History of Ideas and Psychology. ngeh. annoying. i feel so slackish this week though. next week is study week! note to self: do some hardcore studying next week!

on another page, i just wanted to say that, i am like super happy now la! hehe. im not gonna elaborate, but i just know that i am happy. (:

i've been getting very tired lately. sleeping early, sleeping more than usual. if you don't see me online at night, like how i used to be, online till 3 in the morning, it means that im already asleep. i've been sleeping about 12 plus lately. so weird. i can't even go online because im too tired. kinda feel distant from people back home. i will come online when i have time and am not so tired okay! i miss you people!

i can't wait to go back! i was having a 'imisshome' moment just now in HOI class. i really do miss home. there is a list of reasons why i miss home but im not gonna mention it now. im too lazy. blame it on the weather! it makes you lazy! seriously! its super cold now! like below 15. :l and when you get to class, its warm! cold to warm, warm to cold = falling sick. Thank God im not sick! i hope i dont get sick! i hate it.

all in all, everything's well. (:

"hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone"

-Goo Goo Dolls

2010-05-04T22:36:00.002+08:00

thought i should share one of Bishop T.D Jakes messages during conference. since conference, i have started to take down notes in my phone for every message. and im glad i did that.

Bishop T.D Jakes is such a powerful speaker, btw. his messages changed a part of my life and my perception on things. He even has a bodyguard standing with him on stage when he preaches! that's how important of a person he is. He's awesome! okay, so here it goes.

-How do we describe God?
God said, my ways are above your ways.

- we pray for a tree, but he gives us a seed, for God knows that the tree is in the seed. God does everything with seeds. God puts great things in little things. He puts something great into our lives. (fwahhh, this is just like super woah la!)

-sometimes, God will hold back greatness to see your heart.

- the more you grow in God, the more challenges you face.

- badness did not come because we were wrong, it came because we were right.

- God will get us out of trouble, all we have to do is to wait upon the Lord.

- for every struggle in our life, there is a strategy.

- we dont need to bother about our problems, just leave it alone and leave it to God to fix it. (note to self: LEAVE IT ALONE, dont worry about it, Ern.)

- when we praise God for something he hasn't done yet, we put God in debt. if we have the faith to do something that hasn't happened yet, he'll pay his debt back. (:

- Be still and know that he is God.

- He can fix every little need in our life. leave it all up to God.

- WE ARE ALL MIRACLES. think about it, we're all still alive aren't we? (:

i thought this message was super impactful towards me. it was the one where i it made me go, 'woah! thats awesome stuff!' (:

"You know it's never too late
Get up and start all over again
You know it's never too late
There's got to be a better way
Don't settle for the cold and rain
It's not too late to start again
Find a way to smile and never let it get away!"

-Hedley

2010-05-03T23:31:00.005+08:00

all i need to say is, I AM HAPPY! that one thing that made my night. if only it happened during the day, it would have made my day. but oh well, its good enough!

"The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly little lie

It didn't mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly"

only a few close people of mine will know what i am talking about. i am so glad i have close friends to express whatever im feeling too. people who i can go crazy with if something good happens. people who will be sad will me, if something bad happens. but this time, they need to go crazy with me. (:

"But the future's so far
My heart is so frail
I think I'd rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How you love me

It took all of my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find"

I am too tired now to blog more, but this night has been a good one. could it be a sign? it just might be. Thank you, Lord. Prayer answered.

"The reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And Why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me"

-Sidewalk Prophets

2010-05-01T22:28:00.002+08:00

im on the verge of worrying again. tbh, i dont want to. worrying keeps my thoughts down in the pits, who in the world would want that? but with the things that i've heard, its pretty hard to stray away from worrying. but i will. even if its that hard. i will pray about it and believe that God can do anything. Have faith and do not doubt.

"Worry is an old man with bended head,
Carrying a load of feathers he thinks is lead."

when you think things are lead, they will feel as heavy as lead.

i really dont wanna know how things will turn out. im scared to know. im scared about the outcome. yet again, i worry. i really gotta stop this.

should i continue going on like this? how can a girl resist the temptation? i hate how people are so quick in jumping into conclusions.

The enemy will give you an issue when God wants to give you a miracle.

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win FAVOUR and a GOOD NAME in sight of God and man."

-Proverbs 3: 3-4

Thank you Janelle.

2010-05-01T01:42:00.002+08:00

im pretty satisfied on my progress on my accounting essay. i am half done-ish! now, for HOI. darn, i have to go to the library and look through tons of books and read it to find my key points for the essay. what the heck. gah, i hate it. essay's like HOI, should be made easier! i have to start on my psych essay too. its on the topic of, Self-Harm. as in cutting yourself and all that crap. but yeah, its a pretty interesting topic, but i think the main reason why i havent started yet is because i dont know how to! they should provide us with a sample essay!

everyday is bliss!

"Replace all negativism with positivism. The way to overcome evil, says Paul in Romans 12:21, is to overcome it with good. It is the same with negativism; the only way to overcome it is to replace it with a positive."

- Selwyn Hughes

just a stroll out during the night, in the peace and quiet of the night, beautiful scenery, glorious sky, amazing stars, gorgeous moon, perfect setting. that was all it needed. God's beautiful creation.

"So let's change this,
rearrange this,
don't contribute,
try to change it
Be forgiving, to all living,
because life's too short to hold a grudge for time,
please just try."

-Jamestown story

2010-04-28T19:03:00.003+08:00

i think that Janelle Oh should play for the Autumn Music Festival at Trinity College! if you are reading this janelle, you should play! dont miss out on this opportunity! and i think that you should play and sing, "Use Somebody"! your voice goes well with it!

on another note, college has been okay. well, except for the fact that i have 3 essays to write! gah! you know, i hate writing essays. i hate it even more now that in australia, i have to do referencing and citation for my essays. its so freaking annoying. can i just plagiarize? i feel like everytime i start doing my work, i always feel lazy to do it, i must not be lazy! i must do my work! i must finish my essays early so that i wont go crazy later! i must i must i must! i must not disappoint my parents!

im going for my brother's gig tmr! i never knew he had a band until last week. he didnt tell me! ah, that guy. but anyway, going tmr to support him and to take pictures for him, as he suggested. how good of a sister i am huh. (; i dont want him to go back to KL!

my hit counter has been going up pretty fast! i actually wonder who reads my blog. its kinda scary on how quick it goes up! quicker than usual. :O

'Cause you're all i want, you're all i need, you're everything, everything'

urban life is awesome! nuff' said.

"I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody"

-Kings of Leon

2010-04-25T19:11:00.003+08:00

i hate being upset, really.

just when i thought i was having a good day, something came about and it troubled me. not only did it worried me, but it also upset me. i feel so troubled and confused, like i dont know what to do. i hate it when this happens. i dont like thinking about things like this because it'll just increase my sadness. i dont like worrying about things. it just feels like something is tugging my heart downwards, wanting to fall to the ground.

but like one of my friends said, "i believe by God's grace, it'll be all resolved."

Worry replaced by Prayer equals Trust.

When we keep our eyes focused on God, we remember his love for us and we realize we truly have nothing to worry about. God has a wonderful plan for our lives, and part of that plan includes taking care of us. Even in the difficult times, when it seems like God doesn't care, we can put our trust in the Lord and focus on his kingdom. God will take care of our every need.

Went for my usual sunday dinner with my brother today, since last week, i've been telling him things, things i've kept secret from most people. things i only tell people i can really trust. i guess because he is the only one from my siblings where i know i can tell anything to, and he will keep it safe with him. its good having a brother like that. had heart to heart talk with him today again, and it was good. i expressed my troubles, he gave me good advices, and im glad that i get to talk to him about all these. im thankful for my brother. pity he's going back for good in june. sigh. just when i was getting closer to him.

He said, "Dont let people direct your path on how you should live your life."

Thanks to Mei Tze too, for the advice! it was quite awkward for her to give me those kinda advices but goodness, im so proud of you. (:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:6-7

"Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go"

-Tenth Avenue North

2010-04-24T00:25:00.003+08:00

somehow, my mood suddenly shifted. im trying not to give into this feeling i have now, resisting very hard. because i know its not a feeling that is wanted. ill try to keep calm and just sleep it off.

im so confused. i literally do not know what to do. i feel like doing one thing, but then i know there are consequences. but i dont wanna give up on this certain thing because i know there can be more than this. ah, i hate this. but you know what? ill just commit everything to God. He knows best. May Your will be done in this area of my life. gonna leave it alone and leave everything to God.

you know, i seriously hate this sorta feeling that i feel now. its like, i kinda know what im feeling, but at the same time, i dont. its just like a vast mixture of feelings all combined. happiness, confusion, irritation, worried-ness etc. partly, im pretty sure i know why i feel this way but i wont let it get to me. annoyance will not be my best friend.

"For i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

Please guard my heart, Lord.

2010-04-21T19:10:00.006+08:00

i just felt the need to blog. though the emotions that im feeling now can be hardly put into words, i just needed to let it out somewhere. what i feel now is a mixture of happiness, sadness, eagerness, and disappointment. how ironic.

"Praise in the morning, Praise in the evening"

second class today, i received my literature results. was pretty happy with that one, 4.5 out of a 5. i hope i can keep it up for that one. moving on, i wasnt supposed to get my psychology and math results till later, but then people around were telling everyone that the results are up online, so like the curious person i am, i went to check it. at first, i just wanted to check my psychology but then janelle convinced me to check my math too.

"Praise when im laughing, Praise when im grieving"

checked psychology first, was pretty happy with that. a 9.5 out of a 10. but then, it all came down to checking my math. as my heart started racing, i clicked on the link. scrolled down. searched for my results. saw it. thought my heart would sink when i saw the results, but surprisingly, i didnt. it stayed where it was supposed to be. im not saying that i got a good mark, i didnt. i got a 64.

"There will be dancing, There will be singing"

64 is not a good mark. but then also, i did not expect a high mark, besides, it was difficult. i aimed to at least get a 65. and yet again, i lacked by a mark. same thing happened in my january extended course. just lacking a mark to reach an 80. somehow, when i saw my result, i was weirdly calm. when i thought it through during a hot bath, i think the reason why my heart didnt sink was because i've already decided that whatever score i get, i will praise God for it. because he has given me the score that i deserve. i've been praying about it. and if that is the score God thinks i deserve, then so be it.

"Upon injustice we will tell of our God"

i just have to let myself know that in this brand new term, i have got to work harder. no lazing around, though, that will be difficult. finish my assignments way before the due date so that i dont have to rush everything later. basically, study hard. i have got to improve. how am i going to get into uni with a 64? all hard work will be worth it in the end.

when i told my mum that i dont think i can score well for my math, and that i hope i pass, she said, "yup, i hope you obtain good marks for your math too" i thank God for understanding parents. even in jan, they were understanding. my parents didnt use to be that understanding when it comes to results, but im glad that my parents have changed. because its good. when my parents dont lecture me and trust me that i can do better, i actually feel better. but if they lecture me and all, i would feel like crap and i will feel upset and angry and that wont be good for me. so, im happy that they are understanding now. they know i did my best, and i really did. i will work harder to get better results.

"In the darkness, in trial
My soul shall sing
Of His mercy, and kindness
Our offering of praise
Our God never fails
Our God never fails."

-Planetshakers

Father in Heaven, i need you right now. please fill me with your joy and love.

2010-04-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

somehow, the topic on forgiveness have been stirring up quite alot in my life lately. not that i have problems with forgiving people, i dont think i do. or maybe because i havent been in a situation where i have to forgive someone yet. but i believe that i have been reading alot about it to help people through it. and i have! so yeah, its going well so far.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you,your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14

skyped with eddy boy last night. it was good. i missed that kid. i remember when he was just a tiny lil chubby boy, and now, a tall and slim-ish boy. we had a good talk. havent talked to him in awhile. so yeah, it was awesome. i miss you my lil man!

sometimes, in life, God tries to warn us that some things will happen and he tries to tell you to change it, but sometimes, we're just so ignorant. and when that certain something actually happens, you realised that you should have done something about it earlier. but in this era, there is no such thing as a time machine. so, we gotta face the music and just continue to live on.

sharing our faith is not an option, but a necessity.

Oh, Mei Tze! how happy i am for you. (:

2010-04-18T14:04:00.002+08:00

today in church, we learnt about our thoughts. about entertaining thoughts. when i say entertaining thoughts, i do not mean, interesting thoughts but like actually entertaining your thoughts. sometimes, we just drift off, thinking about things that we arent supposed to be thinking. sometimes, we think too much. sometimes we make a big deal out of something that someone said to you because you over analyze it. and what we learnt from today was, these thoughts that we have, are not from God but from the devil. bad thoughts. thoughts that lead you to do something bad and make you unhappy or get you into trouble. we should learn how to push these thoughts away and keep them out.

"the enemy wants to get among your thoughts and then he wants to hold your thoughts and make it a stronghold" - Ps. Rob Bradbury

have you realised that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?

thoughts have the power to lift you up and thoughts have the power to bring you down.

moving on, its college again tmr! ): NOOO! ahhhh, i really dont wanna go to college again. sigh. i know i know, many people say that you should enjoy college cause its like the best year of your schooling life, but for now, i do not think so at all. if its that great, i would be so excited to go to college again tmr. but i honestly do not want to go back to college! ): ah, but its okay, God will help me through it!

where we stand today is because of the decisions we made.

Mei Tze, always remember this date, 18th of April 2010. (:

"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything"

-Lifehouse

2010-04-15T19:31:00.002+08:00

i learnt this last week in conference. God is not the one who is in control of your life. He plans your life out for you, but it is your decision to follow it or to stray from it. You are the only one who is in control of your own life. no one can tell you how to live your life. after all, in the end of the day, you are the one who has to make the final decision. God has already written your life's story before you even existed in this world. scary, and hard to believe, but its true.

had a good conversation with my friend just now. seriously, God is really showing me extreme favour with men. when i say men, i do not mean literally men men, but men as in humans. throughout these 3 days, there has been consecutive favour. one by one. its incredible. i thought that it would be kinda hard for it to happen again, but when i prayed, i believed. and so, when you believe and have faith in what you pray for, you will receive it. as the bible said, ask and you shall receive. but when you just pray, but do not believe in what you are praying, you may pray for years, but your prayer will not be granted. these are what i learnt lately. intense, but really good!

on another note, i just found out that i am going to have to write 4 essays of a 1000 word each for term 2. sigh. essays for HOI, EAP, psychology and accounting. and lit which is coming too. but seriously, accounting? i have to write about the accounting concepts and all that. i know i have done it before in school, but i didnt bring it with me to melb. ah, why didnt i? but i will try my best. i am already feeling the pressure. but i will get through it. i believe.

i.gotta.stop.spending.too.much.
get.back.on.track.with.my.budget!

God can do the impossible.

2010-04-14T09:34:00.002+08:00

well, janelle is back! she came back yesterday, woke me up, just to see my sleepy face, but yeah, it is good to have her back here. had our catch up moment and we had much to tell each other. last week for both of us was sort of a wake up call, kinda thing. it was good that she went back to shanghai. and it was good that i went for conference.

i think i am starting to see favour with men. Thank God! i hope that it wont just stop there and not follow up. i have made that mistake before, and i wont do it again.

somehow, lately, ive been reading and hearing alot about leaving the past behind. during conference, when im doing my devotions, when i read the bible. for my friends, its relevant to them, and its good. but for me, i believe that i have already left my past behind me, and it feels good. i dont dig them up again and think of what happened in the past and allow that hint of pain to occur again. i have learnt to leave it all behind me. and i believe, that is what everyone outta do.

"faith is the pipeline of grace" - John Bevere

But for one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. i press on toward to goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
Philippians 3:9

2010-04-12T12:09:00.003+08:00

have i mentioned that i learnt alot from the whole week last week? it was just such an amazing week. i can just keep saying that on and on. i can honestly say that that week was the best week of the year so far. God has been speaking to me. i have learnt so much from him. and i am on to live a life that pleases him.

monday today! finally a day where i can just laze around in my room and have time to do the things that i havent been able to do lately. today, i am going to clean my room. i havent been able to do that. im so glad i have another week of holiday, unlike other uni's, before a new term starts. i really need it. this week, i am going to catch up on my work. i need to. ah, but im so lazy! slackkkk. but no, i must not.

And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favour with God and man.
Luke 2:52

52 days of wisdom, stature and favour. in the process of it. 49 more days.

God wrote my life's story before i was born.

awesome bunch of people. oh, how i miss conference.

"the hope of all hearts
the hope of all hearts
is you
your love never fails
your love never fails

in the darkness, in trial
my soul shall sing
of His mercy and kindness
our offering of praise
our God never fails
our God never fails"

-Planetshakers

http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

2010-04-10T08:51:00.003+08:00

managed to snap a picture of the beginning of praise before one of the ushers could tell me not to take pictures. (: you see, you're not allowed to take pictures of the session, but im glad i got one!

this week has been UH-MAZING! it has been so awesome. from easter camp to planetshakers conference, just crazy! waking up very early in the morning and sleeping late every night, but it was worth it. this week has really impacted me in different areas of my life, and im grateful. im really thankful that i got to go for shakers, it has been not only a great experience, but also, i learnt alot from it. specially from john bevere and bishop t.d. jakes. i feel like a new person, a better person. i am definitely gonna miss this conference, but, ill be going to shakers every sunday anyways! just that its not a conference. but it will be just as good. (:

made many new friends too! they're awesome! gonna head to their urban life on tuesday to check it out. this week has just been so phenomenal. i thank God for his grace and mercy towards me. i know that God has planned this for me. God is love. He is good, all the time.

"Now is the time,
for God people to arise,
the day is here,
Lord your kingdom we will build,

we are called for greater,
we are called for more,
let your love and power,
move through us,

all we want is you Lord,
come and fill us
hear the cry of our hearts
come and pour it out
pour it out on us

you alone are the one we desire
you alone are the one that were living for
so pour it out on us

we believe for even greater
we believe for more
let your power come upon us
we believe for more"

-Planetshakers

*we are all good seeds, we are all miracles*

2010-04-06T22:48:00.003+08:00

YEAHHHHHHH! OHMYGOSH, SO FREAKING HAPPY! i get to go for the full Planetshakers conference! YEAHHH! just when i thought i would only be able to go for the night sessions, it changed. (: in my opinion, i know it was God's work in this.

lemme tell you the story. okay, so, the ticket was supposed to be russell's. but then he couldnt go. and ping's friend wanted to buy it, but then last minute, didnt want to. so, today, when i said i wanted to go, ping told me she had an extra ticket! so i was like, can i have ittt! just the band for the night entries la, cause it was free. but i was taking my chances and asked my mum if i could go for the full conference which was 65 dollars. but my mum said no, cause i just came back from camp, and if you convert to ringgit, its about 200 ringgit. so yeah la, was pretty upset that i could go for full conference. so anyways, i went for the night one tonight, which was like, super duper majorly AWESOME! i havent praised and worshiped like that, in a long time. it was good! but anyway, after the session finished, everyone was like, "tmr meet at 8 at flinders!" and i was like, "im not going ):" and one of my friend was like, "whyyyyy! you cannot miss john bevere!" and i was like, "i really wanna go, but my mum doesnt allow ):" and he was like, "we'll sponsor you!" and i was like, ":O! *speechless*" i was speechless cause i was too happy to say anything and i didnt expect it! so yeah, my friends are sponsoring me! (: and i believe it was God who made this happen for me. and im thankful for that. there must be a purpose to this.

2010-04-06T12:54:00.002+08:00

iloveyou, Lord.

back from OCF Easter camp! got back around like 8 plus last night and then went for Korean BBQ dinner! overall, camp was good, it was a really really nice place. well, countrysides always are. very calming and specially at night, when you look up to the sky, there are like stars all around. one thing i love about melbourne, you can actually see the stars. besides that, the sessions and all were pretty good too. specially ministry night! also, i got to meet plenty of new people, got to know them, and yeah, they're pretty cool! however, going for ocf camp, really made me miss YC camps. like seriously really really missed it. i was thinking about YC camps alot during easter camp, but then, i thought to myself, 'i shouldnt be comparing them', because both camps have their own different things. so yeah. but i cannot doubt that i miss YC camps, because i really do. i hope ill be able to go this year, though, im overaged. haha.

WHEET! PLANETSHAKERS 20TEN CONFERENCE tonight baybeh! yay yay yay! but, im not going for the full conference. just tonight and the last night, i think. cause its free, and thanks to Russell Hee, i get the conference wristband to get in quicker. so yeah, thank you russell! im soo happy! and pumped up! but im still exhausted from camp though, am gonna take a nap before i go. since i was lil, like in my early teens, ive always wanted to go for PS conference, or Hillsongs. i still remember thinking to myself when i was younger, 'one day, i will go for the conferences'. cant believe that day has arrived! illl blog about tonight, tmr!

"Like a fire shut up in my bones
I want the world to know You are God
With a passion burning deep within
I want the world to know that You live

Let Your presence come and saturate
Every part of me, make me new
Let Your Spirit come and move within
Fill me once again ’cause I need more

Jesus I’m desperate for You
Jesus I’m hungry for You
Jesus I’m longing for You
‘Cause Lord You are all I want"

-Planetshakers

2010-04-01T20:26:00.003+08:00

Janelle Oh just left. well, she hasn't left for Shanghai yet, but she just went off to stay with her sister for the night. and no, she is not from China. but she lives there. (: anyways, have a safe safe trip, yiwon. dont be too afraid of the airplanes. nothing will happen to you. i'll be praying for no turbulence and for you to not get lost in Hong Kong! whenever you feel scared, just think about how soon you will be meeting your friends again. i think that will help? but yeah, I WILL MISS YOU JANELLE OH! 12 days without your weird-ness. that'll be weird. :l cant wait for you to get back already! i hope i don't get too bored! have an awesome holiday, my friend. much love from janani! (; ppsst! leave me something in the cbox so that i know you read this!

many people here are leaving to go back to their home country. it makes me miss home even more now. i wish i could go back too. my friends back home, you have no idea how much i miss you and how much i long to be back home with you awesome people. but somewhere this time in 3 months, i will be with you.

oh! im leaving for OCF Easter Camp tmr! for 4 days. so, i guess i wont be blogging for the next four days! ill miss the people back here. what im looking forward to in this camp, meeting new people, getting new friends, to experience God in an amazing way, to draw closer to God, have a life changing experience? and lastly, to have fun! yay! but it sucks that im still sick though. gahhh! i hate being sick.

"You cross the great divide, You took our place
You offered up Your life, for we have failed
The veil was torn and love remained
You are holy Lord

Distraction costs us, how we seek Your face
We offer up our lives to bring You praise
A love the walls cannot contain
You are holy Lord

We're rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our King

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

We didn't come to leave here entertained
Or worship under any other name
We're crying out for You alone
You are holy Lord

We're rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our king

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

Show us the way to Your heart

We found our voice
We found our cause
We're on our knees, the carpet's worn
We join our hearts
With distant shores sing to You Lord

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase your heart
We chase your heart"

-Hillsong United

2010-03-31T12:51:00.004+08:00

had a good session of video call last night. had a couple of really good laughs. it was like a breath of fresh air. i missed it. though, i know my mb's will run out soon, i think its worth it, when i really needed a good talk.

"Falling in love with someone is a journey on it's own, whether the feeling is returned or not."

- (josh's "dead" blog)

oh crap, i should really learn how to talk softly when i skype or video call. people from the other rooms could hear me, word for word. that would be bad. so, yeah. next time, i'll be softer. i hope. but i prolly wont be if i laugh.

janelle and i were talking about how today, in the hostel, its really quiet and it feels like jan all over again, when it was just me, janelle, simson and CJ. and honestly, i do like it when it was just me and janelle on the whole floor. more privacy, dont have to contain my loudness, free to do practically anything we like, check out all the empty rooms, UNLIMITED internet, janelle would be able to play her guitar and sing without worrying that people would hear her. ah, good times. i miss the jan extended days.

park tonight, i hope. i want to just have some time in peace and in the cool of the night and just lie there and reflect on things.

dont tell me im wrong. im not.

"Hey there,
You can stop crying
In fact,
Stop trying to hurt yourself

Though all you see
Is some shattered dreams
When you're buried underground

You're doing fine
You're alright
Just wait upon the rain to pour
You'll see the Sun
Dry your eyes
And change your mind

Wake up from this confusion
You never know
What's waiting up above
Though all you see
Is some shattered dreams
Cause you're buried underground

Everybody's watching, baby
Are you letting yourself down

Hello, hello
Are you done falling apart?
You're not alone
You're not alone

Taking back all the memories
Another journey to complete
Taking back all the memories
Another journey to forget"

-Eve

2010-03-30T21:41:00.002+08:00

i hate a blocked nose. it makes me sound funny and it makes me unable to pronounce a few words correctly. i wanna get well before camp on friday!

if i havent already said this before, I HATE MATH. i really really really dont like it. ugh. its so annoying! even when i did like so many practice tests and all that, i still cant get it in the tests. whats wrong with me la? ah, this sucks. i wish i was a genius in math or something.

you know how your friends, when they're bored, they like to doodle on your papers and books and all that? and how like many of you tend to erase em off? i dont. well, unless its really necessary, i dont erase them because, i may not know that maybe next time, when i look through my books again, the doodles may actually make me smile and think about all the silly things we did. it has sentimental value you know. well, not really, no. but yeah, keep your doodling!

all these awkward silences and all these awkward movements.

"i have seen so many loving faces
they turn back and leave with looks of regret
the road goes and i am finding home in it
the road goes and i am finding home in it

i saw him fly
he's never looked this way
i saw in his eyes
he's never coming down"

-Saosin

2010-03-29T09:20:00.002+08:00

ohgosh, i am so sick right now. stupid flu. hate having flu the most. my head hurts, my eyes hurt. sigh.

had my literature exam today. i found it pretty alright. definitely easier compared to back home. back home, for poems, cause thats all we had today, for poems back home, we didnt know which poems are coming out, however, over here, they give us the question before, so that we can prepare. and there is a word limit too, just 550. i personally found it hard to keep my word count below 550. back in school, it would be best that we write a 4 page essay. also, we got an hour and a half to write our essay here, but in school, we were given 2 and a half hours to write 4, four page essays. crazy. so yeah, it was good. but i gotta keep in mind that, it will only get harder from here.

in the cool of the night, lying on the cool grass, looking up to the sky, and knowing that heaven is somewhere up there. it really is a magnificent feeling.

i know im not perfect. people disappoint each other, sometimes hurt comes upon us, we make mistakes, but after all, that's just human nature.

feeling so out of touch, where are you now?

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need"

-Planetshakers

2010-03-27T14:25:00.002+08:00

LOL JON. this is for you.

im alrights, but are you? im okay but im worried for you. i dont wanna lose a friend like you. but take your time. take a breather. my friendship will be here when you want it.

math gives me a headache. *grunts*

i have to admit, i do miss the feeling of loving and being loved back, the feeling that it gives me, how the lil-est things can make me smile, how it makes my tummy twist and turn and how my hearts beats 10 times faster at the sight of a certain someone, how i would go to all ends to make him happy, how i would risk it all just to be with him. but though its hard to resist, ill be waiting, because true love is worth waiting for.

"Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life"

-Tenth Avenue North

2010-03-25T18:53:00.003+08:00

don't give up. this feeling will pass. don't lose hope. i want you to be happy.

stupidity reigns over me. this really sucks, it seriously does. i did the exact thing that i told myself that i wouldn't do. but coming to think about it, i'm not sure if it could be prevented either way. personally, i think that it is better to be done at an early stage, rather than leading it on, and allowing the situation to become worse. if you think that i am heartless, please do not think that way. i know that its hard for you, but trust me, i've been trying to guard your heart all this while. and please do not think there is anything wrong with you, because there isnt. you are awesome. dont let this bring yourself down. please do not be sad, please do not be mad.

time, it just isnt right. a fling, i am not looking for. the future, i am waiting. young as i am. ready, i am not. wait, i will. early, it still is.

from the bottom of my heart I apologize. what i did to you was hurtful.

"Hoping I can run today and get away faster
Than ever from here
Another night and who can say if leaving is better
Than living in fear

Here's to all the broken hearts tonight
Here's to all the "fall-a-parts" tonight
Here's to every girl and boy who lost their joy
They let it get away

You know it's never too late
Get up and start all over again
You know it's never too late
There's got to be a better way
Don't settle for the cold and rain
It's not too late to start again
Find a way to smile and never let it get away!"

-Hedley

2010-03-24T22:20:00.005+08:00

Be still, and know that I am God:

(Psalms 46:10)

*breathe in breathe out*

keep calm. God is in control of everything. prevent me from feeling this way, because it isnt a good feeling. and i honestly do not deserve to be feeling this way. so, i pray that whatever uneasy feeling im feeling right now, that it will be gone soon. im telling myself that i should just get over it. dont give a crap about it. but sometimes, some people can just be soo, ugh! telling myself to dispose of this feeling and commit everything to the big guy up there. i believe He will help me through this.

dont take that sort of advantage on me. it used to be okay, but not anymore. respect, please.

sigh, this can not happen right now. no no. i cant be feeling like this. i need to study. i need concentration. cant let that confusion take over me. put if off till next week, at least. crap! why am i feeling like this?!

meanwhile, i am so confused with what i should do about this certain situation. sigh.

you're nice, but just not the guy for me, atm.

"Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
Over the world is death.

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down."

-One Republic

2010-03-23T22:24:00.003+08:00

need i say more?

its so funny how i have a friend whose situation was pretty much similar to mine. its pretty scary, in a way. i used to think that i was the only one that felt that way, or was experiencing it. but though, it was pretty similar, but there are parts where it is way different. parts that were personal, and still is. its different, but similar in a way. looking back, i realized, i was pretty immature, but i do not regret whatever i went through. because that is what had made me this way today. and i am happy with the way i turned out. how i am still good friends with the one that hurt me for the longest period of time, but still gave me the best feeling i could have at certain points of my life.

but experience those things again, i will no more. the same things will not happen anymore, at least i hope so. i will not cause another person's hurt, as well as mine, when i know i have anticipated it from the beginning, when i already know how things will turn out. i dont see the point in that anymore. though, the future, i cannot predict.

hello you, i think i miss you.

"And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong"

-John Mayer

2010-03-22T13:11:00.002+08:00

its so funny how differently i view things now, in terms of love and getting together with someone. i realized that i have really changed in that area. my perception on it has been altered. at least, i think so. and i hope to keep to it, because right now, i believe that its the right thing to do. though many people may not necessarily agree with it, and they may not follow the same thing, but i do believe that some of them may agree that its the right thing to do, just that, they dont practice it.

but all i know is, right now, im saving myself. for something better. something that will last. maybe even for a lifetime.

"I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting"

i never stopped believing.

"Get the love that I'd been missin'
Sometimes love takes a long time
But, wait for love and you're gonna get the
Chance to love - wait for love, wait for love
Ooh my

When you take the chance on love you see
It's not a waste of time if you truly believe
The impossible can be
So hold on tight if you think you're right
'Cause nothing hurts as bad as when you see
You gave up too easily"

-Luther Vandross

2010-03-19T08:18:00.002+08:00

and so, i wont anymore.

sometimes, what you see, isnt always what's true.
sometimes, what you hear, isnt always what's true.
sometimes, believing what you have seen or heard, isnt always right.

i never thought that i would learn anything useful in HOI (History Of Ideas). its weird how history from the past, which i dont even believe exist, can be related to today's situation.

when asked if i were to follow Gilgamesh's way or Socrates' way, i choose Socrates'. the difference between these two is that in Gilgamesh's way, he only goes to one and only one person to look to, as to what to do. he goes to someone wise, where he knows he can get his answer from, and yes, eventually, he does get his answer. however, in Socrates' way, he asks different and random people around him, on their opinion on wisdom, and he gets his answers. he collects everything that was said, analyzes it and learn from it, and hence, becoming wiser. he gets a wide range of answers from people instead of just one person.

im talking talking about wisdom here. but im just talking about it in general. its always best to hear different sides of the story and then decide which one you would believe in instead of hearing it from just one person and leaving it at that. consider everyone's opinion. sometimes, that is the best. maybe, we can even learn more from doing that.

ohgosh, i sound like such a nerd. dont mind me. (:

"you are a part of me,
you are a chapter of my life,
you are forever in my heart"

oh, internal beauty, how beautiful it is.

"I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh"

-MuteMath

2010-03-17T11:11:00.002+08:00

ahh, ive never been so happy bout a class getting canceled before. well, maybe im just exaggerating, but seriously, im happy acct tutorial got canceled. he's just SO boring!

ive been pretty busy for the past few days. i didnt even have time to actually sit down and study. :l lets see, saturday: surprise party, sunday: church, lunch and dinner celebration, monday: college, surprise party, tuesday: college, did a lil of work, went for OCF birthday surprises. seriously, i think Janelle has the record of having the longest birthday ever. it started since saturday! lol. and today, i will study.

end of term 1 exams are next week. i got my first assignment today. well, its a group assignment. psychology assignment, debating if people with lower intelligence should be sterilized so that they will not produce children who become a burden on the state, general population. gotta get work done on that soon!

other than school, life has been pretty alrights. people have been asking me about that lately. so yeah, its been just fine. the one thing im actually looking forward to is OCF Easter camp in april. heard that its fun and all that, so yeah, am looking forward to that!

maybe, just maybe, a high possibility, that i have completely gotten over you. however, i fear that when i see you again, ill get that same old feeling all over again.

Hi, you're nice.

"I miss the smiles I miss the laughs
Sometimes I wish that things could just go back
To the way they used to be
When you were here with me

Take me back to all those times that we knew back before
When we were running we were playing when we still knew nothing more
The innocence we had could never last forever
And daddy look at what I learned to play today
Do you think that I’ll be famous one day
When you see me now I hope I make you proud

I’ll spread these wings and try to fly
And if I fail at least you know I tried
I hope that I make you proud
Even if I fall"

- The Icarus Account

2010-03-13T22:13:00.003+08:00

*ahem ahem* janelle. :D

woah, what a night. yeah, so we had like a surprise party for Janelle Oh tonight. (: her sister planned it, and i kinda pakat-ed with her, to like steal a number from janelle's phone and making sure she dresses appropriately for the night and all that. (: so yeah, she didnt know anything about the surprise, but emir did made a mistake and gave out a lil, but not much. tsk tsk, emir. you failed!

yeaps! so, she was surprised! :D weeee! it went well! so yeah, her first successful surprise party! her family, and closet friends were there with her. (: when she first saw the combination of people there, she said that she was thinking, 'how are these people gonna get along?' haha. but we did! so, it was good. dinner was good too! good food. good chats. good company. (:

woah, im so tired, im not writing right. aiyaa. kinda rambling and not writing properly.

anyways! after dinner, we went over to the ice skating ring! another surprise for her. (; yay! we went groovin' in circles. (; and its like, Olympic sized! so yeah, pretty cool. as least its not as small as Sunway's. and its cooler too! its like indoors, so its cooler, and the light and all that were awesome. X) mmhmm, so we skated for about 1 and a half hours? by the end of it, we were like super tired already. legs were aching and all that. but it was a good night. wasnt it, janelle oh. :D

i hope you enjoyed your night and may it be a memorable one! and yes, you have awesome family and friends . (: lovess!

"here i stand
before You my heart is still
wanting just to be with You
waiting here
long for Your voice to speak
touch me now
its Your face i seek

how my soul longs for You
to be with You
adore You
nothing more i want to do
than to sing to You

Jesus im in love with You
speak to me
whisper You words of truth
take my heart
won't You make me new
Jesus, how i love You
how i love You

on my knees
before You i lay my life
giving all
a living sacrifice
take my life
and all that i long to be
set apart
only for You my king"

- Planetshakers

2010-03-10T12:46:00.003+08:00

no one can come close to being anything like you. i used to think, i could never be attracted to someone like you, but then i realized that it was not the outer layer of you that got me attracted to you, but it was the inside of you, that caught me. but i feel so discombobulated. i dont see the point in it. but ill get over it. i will. i am almost there.

sometimes, i am so curious of how people actually see me as. what kind of first impressions do i give out. do they see me as an innocent child? someone gullible and naive? or do they see me as something else, something that i actually am.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

“You are what I never knew I always wanted”
-Fools Rush In

"I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms"

- Snow Patrol

2010-03-08T22:09:00.002+08:00

i pray that this month, the first few weeks in college, will be good to me. and yes, please be AMAZING.

why is it that people love getting drunk? just for the fun of it and end up doing stupid things? i mean, whats the point of it? even if you're sad, you drink, the forget about your troubles for that moment, but the next day, you remember them again. drinking doesnt help you get rid of your problems, its just a temporary band aid to your problems. i hate all the drama over here. and what i hate even more, to be part of it.

weather in melb has been sucky lately, it has been raining so much. and i have to walk to classes every single day. well, at least it hydrates australia! it has been dehydrated for awhile, now.

listening back to that one song after so long, i dont know why, but suddenly, memories just came flooding back into my head. but it wasnt like a, 'sigh, those were the times where i got hurt so much, it was almost impossible to get a grip of myself' but it was a 'awh, all those times we spent together, all the nice things that happened, oh, how i miss them, all those good old younger days' so yes, not only i miss those times, but its safe to say that, i miss you too, in a happy way. (:

it felt good to skype with someone back home, all the time i do it. (: i feel like im connected in a certain way, with home. felt good talking to you again, kel. iloveyou and imissyou.

and there you are again, its a cycle.

"To love someone is to want to please him, even when one is not able to"
-Extra

"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

- Edwin Mccain

2010-03-07T14:16:00.009+08:00

prove that the hailstorm actually did happen. it was pretty big and scary, and it did hurt. ):

after the storm, had to walk under the rain. :l came back with a headache.

my team. (: Ai-dee, Tai Yuin, Yan Fei, Ziyan, Lewis and Victor. (;

3 of my team mates had to go back cause 2 of them were feeling sick and one had to get the inhaler for another friend. it was sooo frezzing cold we stopped for hot choc during the race. (;

the remaining ice from the storm.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

decided to put up some pictures taken in the past couple of days, so show you who im mixing with nowadays. (; well, not all of them are in the pictures, but just a rough number of them.

Yuin, Simson, Janelle and Bea!

Janello, Bea and Steph!

Jonny boy. (:

Kai Liang, Janelle, Rachel, Zhi Yan, Adrienne and Ai-Dee.

you weird, Janelle. :P

Ziyan, Janelle and Wayne.

you know, i didnt even need to stretch my eyes sideways, its naturally like that anyways, dont know why i did it. haha.

Kai Liang, Wayne, Ziyan and Jelly belly.

mmm, i was hyper. (:

YEAH! math is AWESOME----not.

thumbs up for math!

calculators, ftw!

MATH ERROR!

2010-03-06T21:43:00.005+08:00

i experienced a HAILSTORM for the first time in my life today, and i was actually under it, not inside a safe shelter place, but actually under it. it was pretty cool cause it was my first time seeing it, it was a pretty funny story, actually. and i shall now begin.

so, yeah, we, the Albert House people, had an amazing race today. its a yearly thing la, for the people living in albert house. so yeah, it was a pretty hot morning, so like, decided to just wear a spaghetti strap top and shorts and a pair of shoes. had photosession first, and then got briefed, and then the race started. it was so funny how like, we didnt even finish reading our clue, but we saw the other teams like running toward a certain direction, and i was like, screw it! lets just run and look at it later. haha. so like, everyone were running and all that, crossing roads dangerously. it felt weird to be running again, because i cant remember when was the last time that i actually ran. i got pretty exhausted pretty fast though.

anyways, as the race continued on, we could see that the sky was turning dark, and we kinda knew that it was already gonna rain, but it was already too late to turn back to albert and get an umbrella or anything like that. so yeha, half way through the race, here's the funny part. well, it prolly wont be funny to you, readers cause you weren't there, but ill write it down anyways.

so yeah, we were posing for a picture, we actually saw something white drop behind the photographer, i actually thought that it was a fruit dropping from the tree or something. but when i walked toward it and pick it up, i realised it was ice! and i went like, 'HAILSTORMMMM!' and ran under a tree. first, a few dropped, and then more and more came falling down, it was pretty scary. we were all that screaming and all that. we were scared, but at the same time, excited, and curious. we had to cover our head and face, because the ice would actually fall on you and it actually did kena me la. a couple of time on the head and my leg. the tree certainly wasnt helping! so, we decided to run for shelter, so we ran while the ice were still falling and honestly, it hurt! ):

so yeah, it hailed for about like 20 minutes? and then it started raining, quite heavily, so yeah, we were stuck there for about like 40 minutes? we were actually like considering going back to albert cause how are we supposed to continue racing under the rain, but like, we finally decided to continue on since we were already half way through, so we dashed out into the rain and continued on, it was freeezinggg cold, since i was just wearing what i was wearing, and at that point, i regreted not bringing my jumper. :l it was soo cold, i was shivering, and yeah, we just continued on, and one of my teammates actually had asthma, so she had to go back,and two other guys went back too, we were so close on giving up, but we again, decided to go on, so yeah, we literally raced in the rain. i hated that my hair was like all wet though! :l

anyways, we walked for the longest time ever and sooo farrrr. and since it was so cold, we decided to stop for hot choc at mccafe. (; hahah. it was soo good! and then we continued looking for the places that we needed to take pictures of and all that, and it wasnt easy! anyways, we walked to like the other end of the city and then in the end we had to walk back to the other side of the city. and my shoes were killling me! it hurt so bad. ): but on the way back, we stopped for churros. (; but it sucked. lol.

well, we didnt finish our race, but at least we didnt give up! we arrived back at albert an hour late than we were supposed to. and we didnt win it la, but oh well. it was good experience. i came back with a headache and exhausted like crazyyyyy. i just neeeded to have a good warm and nice shower and i did and went down to eat dinner, and slept for abit, until i got woken up by michelle's and ziyan's loud laughter. AIYOOOO. lol. anyways, went to their room, and hung out there for like a long time and then came back, skyped with my parents, did math and here i am. im tired, so im gonna sleep soon.

"Age should not be a barrier to happiness"
-After a Life

for you Janelle Oh! dw too much about
turning 17. (:

"Love can fade, can break away,
can be forgotten, but not replaced
You might lose hope, you might lose faith
but don't throw it all away, cause your afraid"

- Jamestown Story

2010-03-05T22:12:00.003+08:00

PSY = Psychology
EAP = English for Academic Purposes
HOI = History of Ideas
M1 = Math 1
LIT = Literature
ACC = Accounting
DR = Drama (noooooo!)

behold, my timetable for the whole year! what i think about it, its alrights la, its pretty even out for all the days, so i guess its okays, though, i do wish like i have a day off or like just one sub on friday, or monday, so then it'll feel like i have 3 weekends, but oh well. i guess my timetable is alrights, ive seen like really bad ones, like its sooo packed, and they have the whole dayy of lectures and tutorials. its like crazy. but i have 9am classes! nooooo! ): that sucks. and i have to walk tso much to get to classes, cause the lecture places are actually kinda far from each other, so we got like half an hour to get to the next lecture. haiya, that sucks. ): well, click on the picture for a bigger view, if you're interested. (;

and score! i got David as my tutor for maths! yay! he was my math teacher for the jan extended course, and he was really good, so yeah, i thank God that i got him as my tutor. (; he's a really good teacher. but im pretty scared for drama though, and apparently that teacher marks very strictly, so yeah. darn. and you know how, i cant act, so ahhh! and drama actually counts as your english marks, so you actully have to take drama seriously, if not, then your english marks will be bad la. :l

i had psychology lecture the other day too, she was good. i actually, thats the only lecture that i look forward too. lol. its interesting, and i dont think that i would fall asleep in her class. lol. and for lit, well, lets just say, my teacher isnt like anuradha. anuradha, is def more loud, and doesnt have monotonous way of speaking la, but i heard that he is a good tutor, but i dont have him as my tutor though!

anyways, moving on! went for OCF today again. (: guess im like going for OCF every week then. had the first bible study today with the cell group, and it felt good actually, havent had bible study is quite a long time. lol. OCF feels homey. so yeah, its actually a good feeling.

"i never saw it coming, the way a voice could make me feel"

both personalities combined together, a prefect combination.